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I am single and it could be nice to be in a secure healthy relationship. Sadly I have experienced some abusive behaviour and have had to take a step back. I hear that you are saying that it all starts with me. Some behaviours in others I am not responsible for and cannot change. I can however relate to changing my perspective on other’s behaviour in some of my other fraternal relationships though.
This exercise begs the question of how to apply this to parent/child relationships as you are trying to shape their thinking and behavior. They were indeed my most trying and humbling relationships, brought me to my knees, literally and figuratively. I adopted them from an orphanage, and they were already shattered by grief and loss. Sometimes their behavior was almost feral.
Judging from this first lesson we are to examine our perceptions and expectations. In my situation I had to examine every perception of parenthood I ever had, as they did not respond the way most kids do to anything, even to being loved and wanted. I failed often. If I could do over again I would try to be more patient – to love first, listen second, guide third, and want only for their happiness. When I did calm my impatience or aggravation and listen, I was often amazed at the wisdom that would come from these two young people whose lives had been so turned upside down by tragedy.This all makes great sense! When you think about it, the way we “naturally” approach living with a partner is really quite absurd! Two self-centered people decide to try to live together thinking that their desire to be in a committed relationship and doing what they saw their parents do will be enough to live happily ever after. They then proceed to try to get the other person to change to give them what they want, recognise their brilliance and want to follow suit! The parental example of course includes lots of bad practices and advice, picked up from their parents and society. It turns out to be the blind leading the blind! The simple truths presented here explain why this is doomed before we even start living with another, why now half of marriages end in divorce, why young people (sensibly) don’t want to get married, etc. I can completely attest to the impossibility of changing another person and the near-impossibility of changing myself. That I need something above the “natural me” to do so. And that the family is the smallest pod where I get enough direct/immediate feedback to test different behaviors and hone in on what actually works, and then begin applying that to other relationships once these new relationship behaviors have become habitual. Sounds easy, but takes true commitment and persistence. But so does mastering anything in life!
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