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It was easier for me as I thought I created the ego, it is my responsibility and I can correct it while I am going through the world altruistically. Now that it is said Creator created the ego, and all thoughts and feelings that I or my brothers and sister have, decisions, everything, is from him. I feel anger at the Creator because it is he who is downright hurting, abusing and causing lack with no prospect of stopping and I have to say “oooo, how pleasent” – this is perverted, like a perverted ego. Can he really be the Creator, or just a pitiful simulation!!!? Something is wrong. I have lost respect and reverence for him, I don’t want equivalence of form with him anymore. He has to behave himself first, and until then I will pass on to my brothers and sisters everything he gives me 1 to 1 exactly like that, untransformed, even if I have to die for it. It cannot be that I am the shell of the world, which filters the dirt and transforms without an equivalent.
I feel upset because I can not enjoy anything in order to bestow to the Creator. In some sense I also feel opposed to it because it makes me feel like my job here in This World is a slave-like condition and not at all for my sake. It reminds me of how my stepfarther expected me to feel gratitude for him putting food on the table when I was 5 years old and how he would hate other peoples unwell being. Today I can apreciate the lessons it taught me, and I see the thread between my upbringing and how Kabbalah describes spiritual evolution. I can feel gratitude for what life has to offer, but I can not feel my Creators joy for me being happy. I can, however, feel that I align myself with the Thought of Creation when I am there for other people, and I feel out of balance with it when I go in a “wrong direction” or even just for being sad, it’s a form of guilt that I feel. I feel that there is a contradiction within me. I wish that I could know for sure that The Creator feel contentment from my joy and efforts to correct myself, and that I could understand why I must please Him… I hardly feel any joy at all…
The three arrows really simplified some of the more complex illustrations (from previous courses) for me. Almost seems like Cause, Consequence, Solution (but I’m probably over-simplifying). I feel excited to be on the threshold, my wish is for others and myself to move toward the goal of creation on the path of light quicker, before Nature moves them and us further along the path of suffering. It feels to me that Nature is having birth pangs and trying to reveal something awesome to us, but as a collective we still do not have the eyes to see it. I am thankful that the Creator granted us mercy by letting the sages reveal these wonderful things to us so we can begin to perceive reality correctly. Thank-You for the simplification of a very complex process.
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