Preparation Question: To what perception of reality do we want the study of Kabbalah to lead us?

I want the honest reality. I want to be instantly, simultaneously mind blown & underwhelmed. I want the mysteries of the whys of whys laid out like easy-bake oven instructions; I want to connect all the dots & 4; I want the 3rd person over-view; I want my intuition to align with the motion of the universe; I want to never yield to nihilism again.

Honestly, I don’t really know what this new perception of reality is to look like… yet. But I do know that my curiosity to perceive the world beyond my 5 senses is the only game in town for me right now.

I want the study of Kabbalah to lead me to perception of the true reality of the spiritual world and how I am connected to it.

My desire is to get off, 1 step at the time, the reality of the five senses and to move forward toward the true reality that’s hidden in me.

I want to perceive the divine reason for my own particular victories, defeats, choices, mistakes, good deeds, sacrifices, setbacks, suffering… the whole chaotic bundle.

In this part of my life called “the youth of old age” I am losing the drive to re-establish what I lost and even to attain anything else, but still have to live here. A part of me is done with it all, another wants to continue but not for the same reasons that brought me here.

I still want to protect my wife, continue to be a source of love and inspiration to our grown children, nurture our grandchildren; to be the best friend, brother, uncle, businessman and person I can be. I feel a strong calling to reconcile the books, to openly share everything that’s in my heart and in my mind but I don’t know exactly how to balance the desire to love with the need to keep building. I want to build something but it has to be beautiful and it can’t just be for me. I has to be for… someone or something else.

For who? For what?

The unmistakable voice of my ego whispers all is lost, but a faint voice in the distance tells me there was a higher reason for every moment, every step. In some passing thoughts that have begun to stay a little longer, every memory of the past reveals the true dimensions of my ego and I have to look away. But I continue to stare sometimes now because from this point it seems I can build the screens to allow the light to enter.

The light. What is this light I feel drawn to?

Someone please show me how you build a screen so I can meet this light!

The actual or true reality