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I’ve observed lately how altruistic I’ve become even before I began this study. I have been more silent and meditative without compulsion. I listen more to people speak and act not being subjective to my reasoning but objective; I try to see myself in people knowing that I am an integral part of who they are. Understanding that I do not even exist as an entity outside the whole. Like a ray of light coming to the knowledge that it is part of a light. The ray becomes submissive and humble to the fact that it is part of a whole; a sum of a one.
I understand better about how we need to correct our desires and work towards developing ourselves spiritually. Being aware of the will to receive has been so helpful in understanding how we act. It seems so hard to get away from it. (i.e. Even if I volunteer without telling my family about my kind act, I’d still feel self-esteem from doing it. Therefore, I derive a benefit from seemingly altruistic acts). But I understand now how important it is to feel a need to understand the creator.
I honestly thought I was a failure at life. Everything I wanted was out of my reach. No matter how much I tried I couldn’t make things work. Even trying to enjoy life was hard because every time I found something that gave me fulfillment it would soon turn to ash in my mouth. I kept feeling like I was missing something that was important. I couldn’t figure out what it was. I yearned for something I didn’t understand. Imagine coming from a religious background and everyone around you is content but you are always hungry and unfulfilled. Now I understand why. My life is beginning make sense.
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