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I need to develop new terms for how I feel and what blew my mind. I started to study kaballah to gain more insight, become more spiritual, gain wisdom etc… now I find myself with more boundaries, more ego and more shame and disgust about myself than I ever had. It’s like a huge light beamed on me showing me only dark sides. Dark sides I was created to be. Kind of hard to swallow yet it feels just so real.
And it answers so many questions.
I have looked for since birth. I must have come in already into single concealment although I remember being way more connected as a child, way more aware. Then suffering started yet I didn’t give up, I kept looking and searching and I don’t ever remember blaming the Creator only for the shadows. I blamed it on my inability to understand, to see, to comprehend what was wanted by me and some occasional fights.
I thought I had it down. Nothing in this life is actually real? Of course not. I even had a comprehension of the root and branches albeit not as simple and sophisticated. I knew pain was a push.
Yet now I feel I know absolutely nothing. I see only desires. Big, mostly stupid and worthless desires I would do anything to fulfill. And some I do, and when I do I feel even more empty and stupid and worthless as I know that’s NOT what I really want but I can’t help myself.
I’ve never been a big shopper, never compared myself to many others, the occasional treat, some tech stuff I’d enjoy the upgrade but the intensity of my latest desires is insane! I want to buy anything and everything and for no good reason.
I understand, from my studies, this is useful to see my distance from the Creator, my make, and my limits, and I do ask for correction non stop and I do delete 99% of carts unless I can buy something FOR someone else to TRY and shift my intent.
But it’s HARD.
It’s exhausting.
And I feel like I’m failing every day, every moment.
I feel like a small child barely able to walk. Yet I want to run.
Anyhow, this was quite a rant but I felt like sharing. I love you all and I love even the hardest moments. I can’t wait to learn from the group and see what more my ego has to give! I guess…
Most valuable to me was realizing the importance of the times of concealment. With each small step upwards to revelation we must go back down just as far to the concealment of the next correction that presents. Like a child in school, as you progress the lessons get harder, but the revelation becomes that much stronger.
Yes, this is an exciting journey, personally for each of us as we face the corrections that are individual, and then bringing it all together with the connection to each other. I especially look forward to reading what is important to the other students, questions and feelings, as I feel truly connected to each one on this journey, as we mirror each other, together.
I am starting looking at things from a completely new point of view. The first thing I thought was the tremendous misunderstanding about Female role (I mean about Eve 😊), reading the Bible from a pure Branches language. And it is just a starting point..I feel as if I found a new pair of glasses and I am starting seeing things after having been totally blind w/o knowing it.
I appreciated the insights re the language of Kabbalah and examples of the hidden meanings of the Bible stories … made perfect sense even though I’m sure I haven’t fully grasped all the meaning yet. I sent a link to an old friend who has felt very disappointed by the trail of religious faiths he has immersed himself in over the years. He is devouring one of the texts and “can’t get enough of it”. Many thanks from us both.
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