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It was easier for me as I thought I created the ego, it is my responsibility and I can correct it while I am going through the world altruistically. Now that it is said Creator created the ego, and all thoughts and feelings that I or my brothers and sister have, decisions, everything, is from him. I feel anger at the Creator because it is he who is downright hurting, abusing and causing lack with no prospect of stopping and I have to say “oooo, how pleasent” – this is perverted, like a perverted ego. Can he really be the Creator, or just a pitiful simulation!!!? Something is wrong. I have lost respect and reverence for him, I don’t want equivalence of form with him anymore. He has to behave himself first, and until then I will pass on to my brothers and sisters everything he gives me 1 to 1 exactly like that, untransformed, even if I have to die for it. It cannot be that I am the shell of the world, which filters the dirt and transforms without an equivalent.
I feel upset because I can not enjoy anything in order to bestow to the Creator. In some sense I also feel opposed to it because it makes me feel like my job here in This World is a slave-like condition and not at all for my sake. It reminds me of how my stepfarther expected me to feel gratitude for him putting food on the table when I was 5 years old and how he would hate other peoples unwell being. Today I can apreciate the lessons it taught me, and I see the thread between my upbringing and how Kabbalah describes spiritual evolution. I can feel gratitude for what life has to offer, but I can not feel my Creators joy for me being happy. I can, however, feel that I align myself with the Thought of Creation when I am there for other people, and I feel out of balance with it when I go in a “wrong direction” or even just for being sad, it’s a form of guilt that I feel. I feel that there is a contradiction within me. I wish that I could know for sure that The Creator feel contentment from my joy and efforts to correct myself, and that I could understand why I must please Him… I hardly feel any joy at all…
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