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I am still feeling a deep inner conflict. I believe I was raised to take care of others and have had to make many sacrifices for the betterment of the whole. I also believe I had lived a spiritual life for over half a century. Clearly I am still in seek mode which brought me here. I am not a person who can subscribe to blind faith so I will continue to investigate and scrutinize my own motives. I will continue to absorb these lessons and see where it leads me ….
i got confused after the fifth phase of taking in all the light only for bestowal. i thought i understood it before and now i don´t. we take in all the light only to give pleasure to the creator because he wants us to recieve. Now relating that to the big bang story, and shattering of myself , and trying to make it whole again, became comlex information to take in. I need to studing this several times to really get it.
All that I am is a general desire to continue being who I am, and who I am is just a specific desire to keep being what I am.
I am a conation for self-preservation who would like to become a conation for self-creation.
I am the body’s hunger to receive pleasure, which is the bio-chemical signature on the promissory note of continued existence. Whenever I breathe, drink, eat or have sex, I know unconsciously that I will continue to be, and that makes me so happy.
Whenever I feel pain, it is sign to my body of its frailty and mortality: the possibility that it may not be, and the reminder that some day it will not be. This makes me sad. Very sad!
So sad that I decide that the survival of my identity as a specific desire to keep being what and who I am would be better served if, rather than working to get food and sex, I should work instead to secure the sources of food and sex. With such a magical resource – a veritable horn of plenty – I will be that much more removed from the possibility of the sadness of impending mortality, and that much closer to the possibility of getting the satisfaction of guaranteed food and sex, which make me happy because they tell my body that it will keep existing, either as an individual entity through food and drink, or as an image of myself, which I project into my offspring who are the outcome of my sexuality.
So now I get that I am not just the epicenter of a desire for food and sex, but the epicenter for the source of securing continued food and sex. In our world we call this source “money.”
But very soon after the discovery that I have become little more than the epicenter of a desire for money, it dawns on me that money is nothing but a social construct. Being a social construct, it is not absolutely powerful, but derives its relative force and value only from other people.
So, my next locus of identity is transferred to the desire for power; namely, power over other people, who determine the value of money, which secures the inflow of food and sex, which signal to the body that it will continue to exist in one form or another, which makes me happy. Very, very, very happy!
However, as happy as I may be for a while, I soon discover that the it is impossible to control people without know-how. One might gain some limited, temporary power over others for a while, but this authority will not last long, and will have no effect on my access to money, without an extensive and intricate fund of knowledge to maintain control them.
So, ultimately, I need to see myself as a Grand Knower so that I can continue to be a Social Controller, so that I can maintain my status as a Wealth Wielder, so that I can keep being a F*cking Eater, so that I might eliminate any threat – or remote possibility of a threat – to the sacredness of my body as the source for my knowledge that I am and will continue to be … happy!
Then, something stops me in my tracks.
It is a thought.
It is this last thought that I’ve just expressed – the one that says that it is “the knowledge that I am and will continue to be” which bothers me.
This thought bothers me because it causes me to realize that it is not really food and sex – supplied by money, secured by power, derived from knowledge – that are the true source of the signal to my body, which in turn signals to my mind, that I will continue to be. No, it is just the knowledge that I am, pure and simple, that makes me happy, and body is nothing but a passive medium for pleasure which appears to be the source of the knowledge that I am.
If I could somehow access the knowledge that I am – and that I will forever be – and bypass the body altogether, then the whole edifice of money, power, and knowledge that I have built atop the epicenter of the desire to be, which I call “myself,” will topple like a sand castle struck by a might wave from the sea.
So now the trick is simply to access the knowledge that I am, without any somatic or physical intermediary. If I can somehow plug my conation for self-preservation into a source of joy and a sense of being-me that is not dependent on the fickle whims of “this mortal coil” then everything I know and do and am will undergo a fundamental and radical change.
I know, and I do not know, who and what I am.
As long as I do not carry such devices, no one can reach me via these devices.
By other methods, I can still be reached.
Here is not exactly the place to always be responsible to everyone else.
People do not always like it, if someone is interested in them. Usually people
are interested to get their own benefit. In other places it works differently. I do not know, how to live here in this place.
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