[zahra]

I grew up with my muslim mother and older sister, always had too many questions, but in a way I found different answers in every religion I searched for, I had existional crisis and conflicts with my faith and personality,

Felt pressure socially and like i am never enough, feel like the loser in the family, useless and everyone around me is a doctor, lawyer, teacher, ect…. Feeling pressured and like i will never be enough or accepted, like i am the one who brought shame to them ..maybe i did that, well i did.. i did them wrong and did myself too wrong…. If only i knew what to do or how to do it,, how may i correct all

 

Rolling into depression and social anxiety, struggling to open up and express what is going on, feeling all this fear for 15 years and the emotions of not being enough i pushed myself into being something i am not just to feel accepted, in a way I did not know who I am and what I want to be and why do I want it and what makes me want what I want, what empact would I like to leave, feeling lost, mental health got deteriorated and as I grew older so did my addiction and lost the sense of who I am if I ever did know myself in the first place.

 

 

 

One moment feeling I am self centred and the other moment feeling giving my self away, going from an extreme point of view to another, maybe I have secretly envied those who had strong beliefs without questioning.

As a muslim’s scholars daughter who never saw her dad and grew up far physically and emotionally from him and had always have a distorted image of God and men, had been finding speaking my truth and my emotions difficult.

 

One moment self loathing and blaming my self for that aituation and another moment blaming my dad, reaching out to him and trying to connect did not go as i expected and trying to rationalise all that drove me insane in a way😵‍💫🤧

 

At this point I dont know but maybe i am the one who hates her self, deny herself and dont accept her self and not my family or my community,

Reaching despair and learning how to ask for help and guidance I have joined the Kabbalah community and hoping to learn how may I serve the creator and how may I feel the direct connection, how may I correct my intentions and desires

[Author]

Replies