[Lyndon]

Hi Gianni and thank you, In reply.

I’m trying to see the world through the idea that “He is the good that does good.” But then I switch on the television or listen to the radio, and the harsh reality of the world hits me. Then I remind myself, “There’s none else beside Him,” but everything seems to implode within me. I end up feeling like I’m caught in an irreconcilable paradox—a tangle of opposing thoughts that leave me in a mess- ‘there’s only the creator and all this mess were in’.

If such a power truly is eternal and sits on the throne of creation, then surely it is by His hand that all this tragedy occurs. And so, I find myself asking, “How can He truly be the good that does good?”

I feel like I’m frozen in a block of ice, unable to move forward. Even getting to the point of truly seeing Him as the good that does good—or feeling the slightest flicker of shame— feels like it would be a huge step forward but i can’t and right now, I’m just stuck, caught in this muddle, unable to reconcile the contradictions.

Thanks, Lyndon S.

[Lyndon]

Dear Instructors,
Re. Baal HaSulam, “Matan Torah” [The Giving of the Torah], Item 7

Each new area of learning is uncharted territory for me, requiring both research and deep reflection before I can make these truths my own.

I find myself struggling with the concept of shame. I understand that it is central to spiritual progress, but if I’m brutally honest, I don’t feel any shame at all. Instead, I feel anger toward the Creator for hurling me down into a place of filth, a place I don’t believe I deserve to be. At the same time, I’m also angry at my ego, recognizing how it has control over me. Yet, I don’t feel shame; rather, I feel pity—pity for myself and for everyone in the world, caught in the slimy grip of the ego and suffering beyond belief.

Adding to this is my lack of understanding about the fall of man and the Tree of Knowledge. I don’t fully grasp how humanity came to this state in the first place, and this feels like a critical missing piece of the puzzle for me. Without understanding the root of this fall, it’s hard to see how shame fits into the broader picture of spiritual development.

As I re-watch the morning lesson, I see so many students asking pertinent and advanced questions about shame. Their clarity and depth only highlight the muddle I find myself in on this topic, leaving me even more uncertain about where I stand.

With so much tragedy and loss in the world, it’s almost unbearable and the thought of being shameful turns my stomach because, as I see it, we’re all trapped in this mess together here on planet Earth.

I hesitated to bring this question to Rav directly, but I feel compelled to seek guidance.

Thank you,
Lyndon S.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by Lyndon.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by Lyndon.

[Lyndon]

Dear Team,

How do I ever come to it, I mean, the arrival at a prayer for the friends imbued with power sufficient to cross the barrier and extend beyond my ego and reach the goal?

Simply wishing, earnestly wanting, thinking of your friends powerfully so, continual striving all seems so futile.

I’m concerned that all such endeavors, which I undertake daily, simply fall foul and become nullified and worthless.  Worship, superstition, knowing things by rote, simply repeating things, carrying out worthless actions, making offerings and so on, all lead to a stagnant way with no progress.

How do we ensure that we do not fall into this modis operandi while thinking of the friends and yearn so strongly that we are actually progressing for them, when in actual fact, such thoughts and wants and wishes are  invalid as offering a bowl of rice to a deity or any other worthless action in truth?

Thanks, Lyndon S.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by Lyndon.

[Lyndon]

I cant take anything in here, it doesn’t mean anything, i am stuck can you put it to me another way.  Thanks.  Lyndon S

[Lyndon]

Dear Kabu,

All this reading,  studying,  thinking and pleading is preparation so I’m hanging on to what i have learned Rav, Friends and the books.

This crushing feeling is so strong  and relentless, in a word, its a state of desperation.

I can’t do this,  i don’t know what I’m doing,  i want to run away from it all (spirituality) to the point i wish l didn’t have this burden and just had my base desires to worship, end of.

I’m hanging on strong but it’s awful,  I’m hard on myself so i have a little time off from it all and try to lighten up because this work is so serious and i need to be thankful for my tiny spark.

I constantly fidget, waste time, doubt and worry i think  i cant ever do this in the first place and, this thought is so crushing to me, i mean, if a can’t progress and  overcome im done for.

Its awful, I’m sorry to pour it all out here, i know kabu isn’t a support program but, is what i put above familiar as per what students go through.

Thanks so much.  Lyndon S.

If im too gushy sorry.

 

[Lyndon]

So then, I have a subconscious  desire or link with all these atrocities and vilenesses in the world and as such they lay potential in me?
If so:

I could do all of it too and,

I am responsible as the next man regarding this in the world and,

I can’t insulate myself from this world as i could descend to such depravity

 

[Author]

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