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I really struggle with defining what is it that i really want to pursue in life, I am torn between my two big desires to the degree that I stopped doing anything, I feel frozen, paralyzed, Its like a person who wants to eat and drink with such the same strength of desire that it cancels both and person is dying from not eating and drinking. It is me now, I wish to help myself to understand why it is happening and how to move my train some direction or earn how to do nothing and enjoy it as well:) kidding;/
I wanted to add a correction to my previous introduction: I wrote the word “earn,” but what I really meant was “learn.” And since I can’t edit, I’ll just continue here and share a little experience from my childhood.
I’ve always been a deep thinker. I even remember clearly the moment when this awareness woke up in me — I was 5 years old, playing with other kids, when suddenly I stopped. Out of nowhere this thought came: I am. I began repeating it over and over, tasting its meaning.
When I was 10, I had another experience. I was sitting on a chair, and I caught myself wondering: what is deciding that I am still sitting, and what is deciding that I will stand up? I froze there, almost unable to make the decision, like I was observing reality waiting to see what would happen next. I don’t remember how it ended, but I think it was interrupted by my father suddenly showing up at the house (he had left us before, so it was unusual to see him). He gave me a small book called Teoria Wiru (in English: The Theory of Spin). This was before the internet, before any real access to information about quantum physics. The book described spins — mini tornados of energy, moving at the speed of light, making themselves visible to the human eye. Years later I asked my father about it, but he said he never gave me that book. I remember passing it to my brother, but he says he never received it from me. Somehow the whole book feels like it appeared and disappeared mysteriously, as if outside of time. And now, in my life today, I feel something very similar to that moment on the chair when I was 10. Stuck. Almost unable to make the next move. It’s uncomfortable, and it feels like a loop — as though time doesn’t exist, and I never truly stood up from that chair. As though I am still sitting there, with those thoughts, and here I am now, writing this from that same place.
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