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From experience it feels like I have freedom to choose the path of light or path of suffering. I have chosen the path of suffering over and over again, even though in my heart I knew it wasn’t what I truly desired. The more I study Kabbalah the more I think that my view of freedom may be skewed. If we are all a thought of the creator then perhaps all impulses towards the path of light or suffering come from the creator.
I don’t know what freedom is but the reading this week teaches us that the only freedom we have is freedom to choose our environment.
The more I study Kabbalah, the more I feel that I must accept that I don’t really have freedom in anything, that I control nothing. I simply become an observer of the world, trying to see the root cause of what is happening, and analyze my own reactions and motivations.
We can only acquire freedom by following the “drive” that comes with an awakened Point in the Heart.
I can no more choose to follow the Point in my Heart than I can choose not to follow it, and I have tried to do both, many, many times over the decades since I found out that Kabbalah is the way the Creator has chosen for me.
So for the longest time I have been unable to understand what is meant by there being a small window of free choice which has to do with choosing the right books, friends and teachers.
I didn’t choose Rav Laitman as the main Kabbalah specialist I am to follow, the Creator did that, and I knew almost instantly, when I happened upon a documentary about Rav Laitman, that he was the Kabbalist I had to seek out. And I knew again, a few months later when I came across a video hosted by Tony Kosinec, where he introduces the viewer to the first basics of Kabbalah, and I suddenly heard him mention the name of Rav Michael Laitman, and he left a link to KabU’s website. Of course I had to click the link, and I know this is what I have to continue to do.
But again, I never felt I made a choice. I felt, and still feel, that this was always meant to be.
That is not to say that I don’t learn all the time how to handle things better, my understanding of why and how I can do things better is a continually growing process. But do I choose to do the right things? No, in many cases I just enjoy doing them, while in many cases I also struggle to do them. And all my failures were not conscious choices on my part. I may at times be aware that I am doing something that brings me failure, but it is not something I chose to do willingly.
I can understand the window of free will if it is something that becomes available after we take the first step up the ladder, or even while we take the first step. But before then? I can’t see how it is possible.
All this being said, I do think I may begin to close in on something that may open up and become a new understanding of how it is with this tiny window of free will. This is something I will continue to keep to work with until I achieve the necessary insight.
PS. My apologies for the belated post. I have been sick for days and struggle with severe pain that forces me to use very strong painkillers until I can get the situation fixed sometimes, hopefully, during this week. – In the meantime I will do my best to keep up…..Thank you in advance for understanding.
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