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It is an “alternating” sensation, between almost dissolving in the One and Only governing force, floating in it with peace, no responsibility, no decision making, no suffering, being whole and on other hand feeling totally alone and pressured, squeezed to almost the breaking point to make right decisions and actions, everything in on me, if I screw it up I will be annihilated … hard to put it in words, just trying to grasp it as I’m typing.
For a brief time I felt content, fulfilled, resistance/tightness/suffering lifted. I am looking forward to learn about the path of light and how to stay on it, how consciously work with the Upper force instead of being pushed spontaniously to develop through pain.
Hi everyone, I’m Eva am I’m here because … well I don’t even have a clear reason other then I was born as a seeker, which to me feels like I have been seeking for answers for purpose of life ever since I can remember. My early “seeking”, of course, is childish, like wondering why my parents are my parents and I do not have other children’s parents? Why was I born where I was born – always felt people being born in other, better places of the world are soooooo much luckier then me, why am I not as good and lucky in general as other kids? So my exploration never stopped, and mostly I developed step-by-step through my religion (christian) early on, then other spiritual teachings, books, practices. Each method gave me the answers I was looking for; for the time being at least. Every time it felt like “Oh, that’s it”, until it didn’t anymore, then a rebellious/angry part of me came forward in the disappointment that it is not what I expected anymore, then this lead me to the next step so on so on … after a while I was angry and disappointed of not getting to a well defined destination. Mentally I comprehended the waste and eternal Creation from the Upper force, also my role in it to develop infinitely, but on a perception level I was so angry, then I was guilty of feeling angry, then shame took over … and the anger-guilt-shame cycle repeated itself at the end of each of my “developmental” cycle. Oh, and it is present right now, and it drives me coocoo. So I’m here now. I learned the basics through available videos on YouTube – makes so much sense for my next level of seeking – yet I had a monumental resistance to start my membership. The will to receive, eh? To receive damn, real pleasure and end suffering! That’s what I want! And I know how illusionary, egoistic pleasure feels like, and how sick’n tired I am of its volatile nature. And I have the intention to do whatever it takes in my power/ability to see the whole world receive pleasure, but I am terrified at the same time. Ok then, I do not expect anything anymore – just kidding, I am always expecting to receive pleasure and be able to forward it into the world, so let the journey begin! … or to be continued? I managed to clarify my reason being here after all, didn’t I!?
Hi everyone, I’m Eva am I’m here because … well I don’t even have a clear reason other then I was born as a seeker, which to me feels like I have been seeking for answeres for purpose of life ever since I can remember. My early “seekings”, of course, are childish, like wondering why are my parents my parents and I do not have other children’s parents? Why was I born where I was born – always felt people being born in other, better places of the world are soooooo much luckier then me, why am I not as good and lucky in general as other kids? So my exploration never stopped, and mostly I developed step-by-step through my religion (christian) early on, then other spiritual teachings, books, practices. Each method gave me the answers I was looking for; for the time being at least. Every time it felt like “Oh, that’s it”, until it didn’t enymore, then a rebelious/angry part of me came forward in the disappointment that it is not what I expected anymore, then this lead me to the next step so on so on … after a while I was angry and disappointed of not getting to a well defined destination. Mentally I comprehended the wast and ethernal Creation from the Upper force, also my role in it to develop infinitely, but on a preception level I was so angry, then I was guilty of feeling angry, then shame took over … and the anger-guilt-shame cycle repeated itself at the end of each of my “developmental” cycle. Oh, and it is present right now, and it drives me coocoo. So I’m here now. I learned the basics through available videos on youtube – makes so much sense for my next level of seeking – yet I had a monumental resistance to start my membership. The will to receive, eh? To receive damn, real pleasure and end suffering! That’s what I want! And I know how illusionary, egoistic pleasure feels like, and how sick’n tired I am of it’s volatile nature. And I have the intention to do whatever it takes in my power/ability to see the whole world receive pleasure, but I am terrified at the same time. Ok then, I do not expect anything anymore – just kidding, I am always expecting to receive pleasure and be able to forward it into the world, so let the jouney begin! … or to be continued? I managed to clarify my reason being here after all, didn’t I!?
