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I REALLY appreciate this lesson because 1) it suggests practical tools, and 2) the analogies are very helpful in explaining how sharing an experience eg., football stadium, or a connection eg., cells, ultimately builds our sensitivity toward our partner and leads to a a higher quality relationship. I like the used of the concept of shared space.
I think it would be great to make a time each week to talk and keep a notebook to summarize your conversation, or a way you felt closer to your partner that week, and maybe agreements if you’re working toward improving something in your relationship. I can see how this would extend to a family exercise – meeting each week to teach children how to sew love and appreciation and build family cohesiveness. In this way we could help prepare them for building their own happy home someday.
It seems so simple to smile at a stranger on the street or in a store. We should offer them even more freely at home. My kids taught me this lesson shortly after I brought them home from an orphanage. I had adopted them from another culture and there was no common language between us. They would do anything to to get me to laugh, at which point they would fall into my arms for hugs. I realized then what a smile or laugh could do to make them feel safe and loved. And despite their former hardship and trauma they could bestow that on me.
When my siblings and I were young our mother used to say”you ought to be ashamed of yourself!” Each of us had a maladaptive response to that. For me that shame led to a pattern of not wanting to expose what I perceived as my flaws/deficiencies to my partner, so in a very real sense it resulted in a certain amount of detachment so as to protect myself from that shame.
I really appreciated the part of the lesson about how we can develop more compassion for ourselves when we see our attitudinal and behavioral patterns as natural tendencies rather than judging them harshly; and that sharing these tender, fearful, embarrassing parts of ourselves with our partners give us genuine opportunities to connect and grow with each other, releasing us from internal pressure of hiding our what we view as our flaws.This exercise begs the question of how to apply this to parent/child relationships as you are trying to shape their thinking and behavior. They were indeed my most trying and humbling relationships, brought me to my knees, literally and figuratively. I adopted them from an orphanage, and they were already shattered by grief and loss. Sometimes their behavior was almost feral.
Judging from this first lesson we are to examine our perceptions and expectations. In my situation I had to examine every perception of parenthood I ever had, as they did not respond the way most kids do to anything, even to being loved and wanted. I failed often. If I could do over again I would try to be more patient – to love first, listen second, guide third, and want only for their happiness. When I did calm my impatience or aggravation and listen, I was often amazed at the wisdom that would come from these two young people whose lives had been so turned upside down by tragedy.
