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I have a question regarding „breaking through to the spiritual world“.
First, I want to set my intentions straight. Since I am not yet in the Graduate Environment, I can only try to piece together what I have learned so far. My egoistic desire is „desiring to know whether a certain experience would be considered ‘breaking through to the spiritual world’ by Kabbalists“. Now, if I try to invert that desire into its altruistic form, I will post my question, so that others can know the answers to it. Additionally, I will not read the answers because I want to give my fellow students the opportunity to know whether my experience was indeed ‘breaking through to the spiritual world’ and if it was, then to give them the joy of knowing that it only seems scary from the egoistic perspective, but that it is actually really beautiful.
The Experience:
I had quit my job and did not know how to pay my bills, what job the Creator wants me to be in etc. I was really scared about becoming homeless, but I figured that if the Creator wants me to become homeless, then He has a good reason for it. Also, I figured, if He wants me to become homeless, then it can’t hurt to enjoy at least a last good meal in a restaurant.
So, I went to a nearby restaurant, purchased a good meal and sat down to enjoy it in the garden outside of the restaurant.
On the opposite side of the street, I saw a beautiful girl in front of a church door. She seemed homeless and she seemed to be immersed in an intense prayer. It felt like she prayed to Mother Mary or some comparable female saint.
I could see that she had created a strong energy field around her because all the people that were passing were suddenly thrown out of their monotony, looked at her irritated and then crossed to the other side of the street.
From experience I knew that such a strong energy field can only be created, if the person has been praying without ceasing and with utmost intensity from the bottom of their heart for quite a while.
Suddenly I felt that the energy of her prayers shifted towards me. Suddenly her prayers seemed to pull me. I then thought that I cannot ignore even a single person that prays so intensely and truly from the bottom of their heart.
I looked in my wallet and found 10 Euros. „At least I can give her the 10 Euros“, I thought.
I then grew restless and worried that she would „give up at this crucial moment“. So, I aborted my meal, paid in a hurry and went straight to her.
On the way to her I grew incredibly scared. „It’s just a human connection“, I thought to myself, „no need to protect myself from human connections. After all, haven’t I been praying for this all the time?“
When I approached her, I did not know what to say, so I just stood a meter in front of her until she noticed my presence and opened her eyes. In this moment the sun came out and shone onto my back and onto her face.
I handed her the 10 Euros, her eyes grew wide and she stumbled with a foreign accent: „Thank you“.
In this moment I saw God. Later I became convinced that I saw God through her that day and that she must have also seen God through me that day.
I recoiled in horror and basically ran away. Then I prayed in my thoughts: „I had to give the 10 Euros to her. How could I not, if you have given me so much in my life?“ and I started crying.
I reflected on this experience for a couple of days. Why did I suddenly see God? What happened?
Eventually, I came to the conclusion that the act of giving my 10 Euros to her came from a pure giving intention. Yes, I contemplated whether I would go up to her because I was so scared, but the intention behind the act itself was still pure.
Then, I felt that it is impossible to arrive at that state again by my own efforts. After all, I would just be doing it, so that I can experience this beautiful thing again. How could I not want that?
Anyway, if this experience was indeed pure and considered „breaking through to the spiritual world“ (even if just for a few seconds) by Kabbalists, please tell my fellow students, so they can get a clearer picture of what it means to „feel yourself outside yourself“.
For me at least, posting this question feels like I can finally leave this „petty little contracted thing called ego“ inside of me behind. I do not have to worry about it so much anymore. Much less do I have to worry about trying to somehow satisfy or fill it. It is a pointless task. Let’s just leave it behind (said the ego.)
However, I do need to know whether I am on the right path here and doing something good for my fellow students or whether I am trying to „feed steak to a baby because I like steak so much“ and therefore actually hurting them. Therefore, I will post a second question asking whether I should continue like this or whether I am already getting confused and straying from the path. Reading the answers to that second question will be feeding my ego, but I still have to do it. God forbid that I hurt other people by trying to help them.
To correct all of my desires. Then, my part will be corrected in each of the other souls and it will get easier for them to correct themselves as well.
Thank you especially for the advice on not feeding a 3-month-old baby (or even a fellow vegetarian) a steak because I love steak. This is a true gem and I have saved this quote in my Kabbalah notebook where I write down things that jump out at me as especially important.
Also, thank you for the heads up that many terms in the book “Kabbalah for the Student” can be easily misunderstood and especially for the offer to clarify any potential confusion.
