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I’ve learned that everything I do is to receive pleasure. It’s hard to except at first but I really can’t find anything to contradict that concept. Even the most altruistic things I do for my loved ones ultimately brings me some kind of pleasure. I guess realizing that makes the idea of receiving not necessarily a negative thing it just is part of the narrative of this life and with the correct intention receiving to bring pleasure to the giver forms a symbiotic union with the giver. The hard part now is wrestling with the idea of being a giver to be a giver and not expect to receive, and at what point are you supposed to have a boundary? What point do you say I’ve given enough to a person who is only taking?
There is a growing awareness of the distance between me and my creator. That I represent a tiny sliver of the the One Soul (Adam Harishon) and that my purpose is to make my way back up to the spiritual abode, via 125 steps. This is to return to a state of unity and togetherness with the creator. That Kabbalah provides me the method to attain this. That I have access to 5 senses that allow me to navigate this world, which is a perception created in my mind. I have also been given a “6th sense”, a point in the heart, that will allow me to evolve and gain equivalence of form with the creator. My existence is in the corporeal world, which has a barrier to the 5 spiritual worlds. through which my soul has descended after the shattering of the “oversoul”. My desire to receive will become more like bestowal and get closer over time to be like the creators pure bestowal. I don’t know the method and I don’t fully understand all the terms and the way it works. All I know is that I have a deep yearning in my heart to learn and understand this wisdom. I deeply desire to receive this wisdom and I am impatient to attain it.
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