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While listening to this video I was wondering about my current romantic relationship. For many years in my life I hadn’t been able to feel the love and warmth of an intimate relationship like I longed for because of obstacles and my controlling family. However for the past year and a half I have been with my boyfriend whom I love so much and feel his love fill my needs. An empty cup filled at last, I am so grateful. I have lived the magical moments of traveling together and all those things I thought I could never have.
Now I wonder, how? And why? I’ve been telling myself “it’s because you finally healed a lot of the anger you had within you and learned not to hurt other people in relationships” those steps I took made me feel deserving of the relationship I now have. But there’s a fear inside me that God wants to hurt me. It’s hard to believe God is all love or all good. I say God is good when I find a way to work with reality and what I want but I feel so much fear because I think God doesn’t care what happens to me in the end.
So regarding this situation, I feel fear that the thought behind bestowing this loving relationship onto me is to then take away the love I have (all of it) so that I am broken and all I have left to think about is God.
“Why did this happen, God? Do you really hate me? What have I done? Maybe if I don’t love anything then you wouldn’t find a way to hurt me again”, this is fimiliar to me.My question about this video is, how is God so sure that I would ask him for help? Because so far I just keep pushing him away and hating him. I mean I might die before I trust God. I sort of wish to live happily without ever knowing him.
On a side note though, I think this is my reaction to realizing that God DID this to me. That he is the created of the bad and painful experiences that I went through. However in moments when I blame the pain on something or someone else, I can feel more surrender to God as my savior in that moment because I see God as innocent and I too.
This is funny to me because it explains how religious people love God so much and find it easy to pray and ask for help while I’m out here trying to make it on my own, walk the line straight without asking for help and trying to understand the will to bestow only so that I can feel safer and able to relax in his world.
Thank you for replying, I thought whoever might reply would be angry with me for not being humble while talking about God but you offered me encouragement instead and I felt welcomed, thank you. My desire to keep going is renewed and I will continue to take in more from this course.
Is it common or natural that I feel anger towards God? That while reading the recommended readings for the second week I was disgusted, unpleased and I felt like some sort of a puppet in God’s game? If the truth is that I do not have free will, my nature is flawed, suffering of any form is somehow okay because God wants it etc. then I feel like a slave and pretty much wish I was not created. I didn’t ask for this or caused myself to be at this level of separation. I do not have a desire to be one with God or ‘to bestow’ necessarily, maybe I’d work for the same goals sometimes like care and bringing people together etc. but I do not wish to glorify God to a point of self hate to then be ‘blessed’ to be God-like.
I don’t get it, I feel angry but I want to know and see what more there is. I know that, as Tony said, we desire to act with no consequence, and I want to free myself of that level of being and instead work with God’s law and respect the rights of all beings God created, all of us as one, but I do not like this idea of becoming God-like and hate myself in order to finally understand God. I think my emotional reaction is coming from a place of seeing religious people abandon their connections to others, show no true care for those around them, or hiding behind religious acts to say they are ‘good’. I mean to some people self hate and self inflicted suffering is their idea of ‘I’m such a great human, God is going to reward me for all my patience’ when clearly someone on the outside can see that they are intentionally suppressing themselves and their ability to make good choices.
Initially when I wanted to know what Kabbalah was about I thought it would be more like a science and common sense that got buried. In this world, I can cut an apple, open a shell, swim in the ocean and begin to understand their parts, so why is it that understanding God or his intention is such a complicated thing? Why do I have to ‘correct myself”? God seems selfish to me, and if I were, which I may, accept that those thing written are the truth…I will feel a lot of pain that I am in fact a puppet in a game, maybe it won’t matter to ‘win’ anymore or understand anything. Then I’ll tell myself ‘right and wrong don’t matter, I’ll just praise God because he’s everything and I’m nothing, nothing in reality is real, I don’t matter, and I’ll bask in the things I love about life till I die. I hope I make sense and that this is normal.
I wonder how does Kabbalah change people? What should I expect to see in my future self if I continue with learning this knowledge? Are there any testimonies of other students who have advanced in this knowledge?
It’s quite funny to learn and to realize that I am created as the will to receive. I felt such relief when I learned this because it helped me not run away from my self and nature. I feel peace knowing that the creator wanted me as I am in this aspect, constantly desiring something, and intended for me to be a receiver of its infinite and creative nature.
It seems that Kabbalah is supposed to teach me the “science” behind how things come to be in the physical reality. Only after understanding those aspects of life and the steps the divine manifests/translates its energy into this realm of reality can we get the full picture (or at least a bigger one) of how we play part in it and where we can create shifts in order to move on a more desired path than the one we are on. I think the lesson will be about drawing a map of what aspects of the divine or life there are. It has to start with the basics.
I desire to understand the world better and I’m curious about how Kabbalah is said to be the way to become a better receiver of God’s creation, I would like to listen, be calm and receive.
Hello, my name is Jasmine and I am 22 years old. I come from Jordan but I am currently living in Turkey. I got guided here by Mark Passio’s work on The Natural Law and occult studies. The Kabbalah seems to encompass many aspects of reality that I wish to understand. I also enjoy its clear frame and structure. I wish to find my independence and clarity outside of the current trends in the new age spiritual communities and organized religion. I hope it will be a great experience for us, thank you for this opportunity!
