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My free will lies in my understand how to feel and be aware of myself and according to this facts I do refer to my outer world and whenever my outer world doesn’t give me a chance to open myself to learn and make decisions and do actions in my life they of course change me in a way, in my perspectives, thoughts, awareness and ideas, I feel forced, betrayed and disconnected from myself and that’s the moment where I make decisions to avoid, deny, disagree, reject and destruct whatever and whoever tries to shift me against my free will through manipulation, hypnosis and conditioning, what I experience by the way as a violence and hurt against my personal rights and I need to always find new ways to express myself securely and secretly, because I get followed through my life habits and skills and thoughts and actions etc and my free will is endangered whenever this conditions get violated. So my free will is actually not to lose my ability to have a free will to make good and healthy choices for my life and this state keeps me busy for eight years now and I can’t understand what it is, that people do deny my rights to express myself in my free will, for I studied philosophy, pedagogy, law and order, human rights, etc and nevertheless people especially in in my family former relationships, try to push me back into an unconscious state, they need to have in that for themselves, otherwise they would respect my development and personal growth. But they can’t, and they are on the opinion that they could do with and on me whatever they want, against my free will, against my well being.
No, even I am aware of, I feel very often disturbed in my awareness, perceptional, acoustical and intellectual, and I know how that is happen and through whom and since when and why I can’t escape from this or grow out of this, even I know a lot of basic skills and yet they seem to become always again and again nullified and challenged and it’s really exhausting for me to always keep my energy in me.
In my understand while we are totally free from inner and outer destruction, they only led to the loss of the self, or to continuously self defence, or self destruction. It’s a safety room within the own inner structures, nobody has access to but the own self.
According to the principle of reincarnation, I actually ask myself, what if I feel comfortable within myself, without always changing like a chameleon every day or several times a day, for I have experienced a loss of myself through outer and inner destruction I wasn’t able to prevent this, for when that happened I was still in a somewhat unconscious state and started to expand in my consciousness, what did not only disturb me in my process of self development into the conscious state, but rather did shift my entire life in a suboptimal condition as my education was given to me to grow into my conscious life, what happened through psychological manipulation, I found out during the time of progress. So I badly had to fight for to not lose myself and that led me into a state of high vulnerability and whenever something happens to my awareness I did not choose, I feel insecure and betrayed and I start to destruct myself, what is not less horrible, but it’s a mechanism in me not to lose my self awareness, a mechanism I don’t like that much and it’s existence is dependent on my environment and individuals in that environment and therefore I believe that if I just could leave that behind me, it would probably possibly to me to reconnect fully to myself and continue to grow and develop as it is given to my natural structures, without the disorder to destruct myself. So what would you say that I could do to minimise this self destruction, even I am still in my environment, with the individuals who cause this disorder in me?
