Forum Replies Created
- Replies
I struggle with the need for complete separation with no remembrance of stage 4 – It now perceives that the light wants to fulfill it completely and consciously attempts to take in all of the light only to fulfill the Creator. Why was this intention not the evolution completion of desire? I struggle with evolution need of complete separation and being cut off from the experiencing the creator that brings the exact opposite qualities I desire.
Taking into consideration of my post to the previous question of feeling betrayed by the evolution of separation I am seeing in myself a slave mentality of wanting to be a slave again in unconscious unity as compared to being a slave to separation in ego. This brings hard questions around my trust that evolution is working towards benefit as so far I have experienced what seems like pain, misery, loneliness, emptiness, and despair. Am holding on to hope that this current stage of evolution will transform soon.
My feelings alternate between longing for the place of unconscious unity where there was no separation and needing to work towards conscious unity, then feeling betrayed for the separation, to then finding moments of joy in the spiritual journey. Am desiring more moments in conscious unity but ego is very persistent in showing me the opposite.
I also struggle with loving others in this current human environment of extremism but do desire the coming change of connection with the creator. I do not believe I will see it in my lifetime unless something drastic and sudden happens. I am hoping that this soul desire currently in me will not have to make so many mistakes and take so long to find the path to creator in next lifetime.
I am reading the volumes of Zohar Pritzker edition by Daniel Matt and I notice that my mind loses focus that the words are describing an internal process happening now and not just literature of historical events from the past. But, I can say when I spend several hours a day in the study my sleep is filled with dreams pertaining to the wisdom in the study that I do not perceive while being awake (maybe this sleep and dreams is actually the reality of being awake?). So I noticed the same process going on while listening to this reading, first my mind getting caught in a literal meaning of something outside myself then a switch to recognition this is about what is going on inside my soul and collective soul. My ego would like to and tries to beat me up about how this is beyond my understanding but I have made a vow to myself to keep pushing on no matter what the feelings arise as truly my feelings are all over the place!
