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Hello Gianni,
Recently I feel like I have entered a state of everything I felt i believed about God/Creator is completely dismantling. When I came to Kabbalah I already understood that everything I was taught was fairytale stories (Baptist) but the idea of God has still remained. Now all of a sudden I’m like, who, what is God? Who, what am I praying to? Why am I praying? What is the point of praying? Who is hearing the prayer? I feel like the friends in my group are way too good for me, why am I even with these people? I don’t even know how to connect. And that trying to even connect just causes more hurt so what’s the point. I feel like if I bring all this to my Ten then it will just bring heaviness. So I am stuck with all this and have no clue what to do with it.
Hello Gianni, from 06/17 Morning lesson, how do I get to a state of “fear that I won’t be able to stow”, FROM I already know I won’t be able to Bestow??? Like I know I can’t do it without the friends and the Creator… so how do I get the fear?? Where does that come from?
2nd question
I feel like since I grew up in the church and been studying and searching for the Creator since I can remember. Even feel like I went through a state of giving up a few years back before I found kabbalah, that the thought of “falling into dispare” seems so far off. Like almost unattainable because I am basically learning to yearn for something that I’ve never had. How do I build this desire to want something I’ve never seen, felt or tasted?
For some reason I am finding it real difficult to pray for the friends. Not because of anything they did. But because I feel corporeal. So I feel like a poor man praying for the wealthy. If that makes sense…
So my question is, how do I pray for the friends? How can I build the desire to pray for them correctly? How should I start, like, build a habit, and then eventually it will be real?
Hence, when he climbs to the first floor, he has no desire to stay there. Instead, he wishes to quickly climb to the second, to the King Himself, for this is all he wants. However, he is told, “Without knowing the rules that abide on the first floor, you will certainly blemish the King’s honor. For this reason, you cannot hope to be able to climb to the second floor before you learn all that there is to learn on the first floor.”
Similarly, with love of friends, we heard that it was impossible to be rewarded with love of the Creator before one was rewarded with love of friends, as Rabbi Akiva said, “love thy friend as thyself is the great rule of the Torah.” Therefore, while engaging in love of friends, he is not considering love of friends as being valuable, but as redundant.
I chose this excerpt from Come unto Pharaoh 2. Because it shows how everything has a reason. Trying to skip the love of friends and go straight to the Creator would be a huge mistake, disaster, cause a catastrophic event just horrible. It’s like having a goal to be a surgeon but skipping med school and residency. What in the world would make me think I can just go straight to being a surgeon? (In this case straight to the Creator) like sending a child into a surgery room. I have no clue what I am doing! I have to appreciate even being being invited to attend such a gathering on the first floor, so when I make it to the surgery table (2nd floor) I would know how to handle the tools, (my new nature) and I won’t dishonor the King.
