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Hi Albert,
I wanted to know what exactly an “intention” is. Is it a desire? It would have to be wouldnt it? Or is it the desire behind the desire? the end goal of the desire? I know that all of my desires are selfish in nature, even if I’m not cognizant of them, because I can see that I’m bound by the chains of pain and pleasure, and the best I’ve been able to do is try to ignore this selfish aspect, but I always know its there, weather I ignore it or not, because I can see it if I start to think about it.
Alan watts had this saying that: “Zen does not confuse spirituality with thinking about God while one is peeling potatoes. Zen spirituality is just to peel the potatoes.”
I was cleaning coffee cups today…
And so at times I just try to ignore my thoughts and try lose myself in whatever I’m doing, not focusing on anything but the task at hand, and there is a certain peace of mind behind that because I’m so focused on my task that everything else melts away. For a moment; but I always worry that underneath it all there is always a selfish intention, weather I can see it or not, and sure enough every time I look, there it is, and so always I’m always a prisoner to myself in this way.
If the goal would be to enter a state of complete bestowal, where I’m not concerned anymore with what I get but only on how I can be useful to the world around me (I think, I only assume this because I want to achieve equivalence of form), but I wouldn’t be able to move towards that state unless I perceived some sense of pleasure out of it, even in a future sense or a sense of personal satisfaction, in being morally right, or more knowledgeable, or more spiritual, or even the pleasure in being able to clearly perceive the mind of the creator, which I would consider the pleasure above all others, because I know God only gives and I want to receive exactly what he wants to give me in trusting that he knows what I want better than I ever could. I’ve thought about this very much and have determined for my self (through guidance from what I’ve learned through Kabbalah and a certain amount of self analysis) that its actually not possible.
The problem I have basically, is that I feel like even if I ignore something doesn’t change the fact of the why behind what I’m doing something for, and that god is putting questions in my mind and feelings in my heart for a reason, and that I was meant to understand or else why would I have such a strong desire to?
and the frustration arises through that I feel like the sole means I have (my desire) of moving towards the goal (to do something without personal gain) is simultaneously pushing me away from it, since its impossible for me to be anything else.
I suppose I only have the hope that something good will come out of my selfish aspirations, since that’s the only thing I have to work with, like I’m a selfish little seedling, consuming the soil and water and sunlight, but that one day I will produce a type of fruit that will nurture the world around me.
Freedom is accepting that i am powerless to change anything about myself, and asking the upper light to work on me as it wishes. Freedom is being whatever i was made to be, and discovering what that really means, understanding what that really is, and finding enjoyment in that.
Hey Albert! Thankyou so much for your response. I kind of wrote about this because my mind and feelings have been all over the place this last month but i really appreciate you getting back to me and sharing these articles with me. Ill keep these on my tabs to return to sometimes, but i really like the building blocks article.
Ive been ridiculed in the past for not being “genuine” or whatever and i always strive to reach deeper levels of honesty in myself. I like the concept of “fake it till you make it” but also i like being happy and sometimes i think its good to be happy too if it lifts up others instead of pulling them into my own misery if im having a bad day or whatnot.
I know were ahead on the next lesson now so i dont know if youll see this but i wanted to come back because i thought about this and didnt know if anyone responded to me so i wanted you to know that i do appreciate it very much.
Thankyou for your response Seth. I apologize for my frantic behavior, Ive been going through alot of very extreme changes in my personal life over the last month and my mind and emotions get away from me sometimes, its happening less and less.
The Kabbalah revealed series showed me the importance of connecting to the world, it helped me realize where i needed to be and helped bring me back to AA, and through AA ive also been willing to seek out mental health. I just want to do everything i can to better myself because ive wasted so much time, i have alot to make up for.
I want to do the best i can because the changes in my life over this past month and a bit have been nothing short of amazing, i know i must better myself if i am to be of any use to anyone at all, and that by living a better life i can help and enrich the lives of people around me as well.
Its difficult for me to be patient because i have been givin a bright vision for my future, where i can be just that, a good man, but i know it takes time and i want to give myself more to the process.
Also i really enjoyed your enter the zohar series, i first saw it maybe 6 years ago now and rewatched it a few weeks ago or so and ive always wanted to be in a live lecture setting like that.
Thankyou again for your response.
Sorry i get stuck on this like every time i start diving into kabbalah.
I know when i read a little into kabbalah for the student i read that the “so what” is the worst corrupter, what exactly does this mean?
i can see it in a practical sense like obviously i cant always do and say what i want because honestly alot of things the creator sends me makes me very angry, and i have to try harder somedays not to fly off the handle at people. In aa there is a saying that honesty without compassion is brutality, and i can never find my voice when it comes to things i see as wrong, either im too passive and i try to ignore it and brush it off or i blow up, and i never really know, what the right thing to do is, because whatever i seem to choose is failure, so i try my best to pick what i would think would cause less harm. But it never really seems like the right choice. Except when i see it that way and then i get shown that there is, but then again how could i ever be sure?
But like, it always feels like “so what?” i mean if the creator controls everything its like whats the point?
And i apologized at the beginning because i always feel like i am to blame, because theres only 2 real logical conclusions for me.
1. the creator is in control of everything and i cant escape this “so what” feeling, because everything would depend on him to bring me forward one way or another, and i feel confused and resentful that it always has to be so painful, which would mean im just being tortured, because theres nothing i would be able to do to stop it.
2. through whatever divine manipulation i have come to aquire free will, in which case i would be to blame. and if the creator wanted me to feel like i have free will even if i dont, i would still have to blame myself because if i did have an active role and had clear choices, of course i would be making a mistake, even if i knew everything underneath is being guided, i would accept that i have free will because the creator wanted it that way, because there is responsibility in having that.
This has always been EXTREMELY frustrating for me
But thats even like, why ask a question in the first place? surely there is something in me that feels wrong, or i wouldnt be seeking advice, and I wouldnt be asking if i didnt feel like there was an answer.
I hate myself, because i cant trust myself, because i cause so much pain, without even realizing it, and im just so lacking in perspective, that without a little bit of “so what” i get scared to even move, and i cant accept that god is a part of me because i feel so wrong and misguided. Even when im “feeling good” or i have “good intentions”, i see people do horrible things seemingly without a conscious, like theyre just fine with abusing and destroying things, and how would i, how could i, ever be any different? i try to be good but i can see even small things just end up causing pain.
For example if i started dating a cute girl but it actually cause another man who maybe loved her even more than me pain, or maybe id be robbing her of a better opportunity. Or if i got a position at a job and id be taking someones place who is perhaps more qualified, or even maybe im having such a good day i didnt realize i inconvenienced somebody in a significant way, or maybe i tried to help some one and give them advice or offer them help, but it actually ended up hurting them or making it worse, because i cant know or control how others perceive things.
If i do have free will, even just the illusion of it, i want to do the right thing, but the problem is i never really know what that is, because i can never fully see the consequences of my actions, it would be impossible to do so, theres too many variables, and the more i look the more blind i can see i really am.
It always feels like im going in circles, because to get rid of the “so what” i would have to take accountability for my actions, but how would i have accountability if everything depends on god? Maybe its a paradox, can they both be true? What am i not seeing?
