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Sorry i get stuck on this like every time i start diving into kabbalah.
I know when i read a little into kabbalah for the student i read that the “so what” is the worst corrupter, what exactly does this mean?
i can see it in a practical sense like obviously i cant always do and say what i want because honestly alot of things the creator sends me makes me very angry, and i have to try harder somedays not to fly off the handle at people. In aa there is a saying that honesty without compassion is brutality, and i can never find my voice when it comes to things i see as wrong, either im too passive and i try to ignore it and brush it off or i blow up, and i never really know, what the right thing to do is, because whatever i seem to choose is failure, so i try my best to pick what i would think would cause less harm. But it never really seems like the right choice. Except when i see it that way and then i get shown that there is, but then again how could i ever be sure?
But like, it always feels like “so what?” i mean if the creator controls everything its like whats the point?
And i apologized at the beginning because i always feel like i am to blame, because theres only 2 real logical conclusions for me.
1. the creator is in control of everything and i cant escape this “so what” feeling, because everything would depend on him to bring me forward one way or another, and i feel confused and resentful that it always has to be so painful, which would mean im just being tortured, because theres nothing i would be able to do to stop it.
2. through whatever divine manipulation i have come to aquire free will, in which case i would be to blame. and if the creator wanted me to feel like i have free will even if i dont, i would still have to blame myself because if i did have an active role and had clear choices, of course i would be making a mistake, even if i knew everything underneath is being guided, i would accept that i have free will because the creator wanted it that way, because there is responsibility in having that.
This has always been EXTREMELY frustrating for me
But thats even like, why ask a question in the first place? surely there is something in me that feels wrong, or i wouldnt be seeking advice, and I wouldnt be asking if i didnt feel like there was an answer.
I hate myself, because i cant trust myself, because i cause so much pain, without even realizing it, and im just so lacking in perspective, that without a little bit of “so what” i get scared to even move, and i cant accept that god is a part of me because i feel so wrong and misguided. Even when im “feeling good” or i have “good intentions”, i see people do horrible things seemingly without a conscious, like theyre just fine with abusing and destroying things, and how would i, how could i, ever be any different? i try to be good but i can see even small things just end up causing pain.
For example if i started dating a cute girl but it actually cause another man who maybe loved her even more than me pain, or maybe id be robbing her of a better opportunity. Or if i got a position at a job and id be taking someones place who is perhaps more qualified, or even maybe im having such a good day i didnt realize i inconvenienced somebody in a significant way, or maybe i tried to help some one and give them advice or offer them help, but it actually ended up hurting them or making it worse, because i cant know or control how others perceive things.
If i do have free will, even just the illusion of it, i want to do the right thing, but the problem is i never really know what that is, because i can never fully see the consequences of my actions, it would be impossible to do so, theres too many variables, and the more i look the more blind i can see i really am.
It always feels like im going in circles, because to get rid of the “so what” i would have to take accountability for my actions, but how would i have accountability if everything depends on god? Maybe its a paradox, can they both be true? What am i not seeing?
by seeing the good in every situation, the opportunity’s for growth, by striving to feel the creators intention behind the giving of the situation.
Best experience was feeling the warmth from the instructors and the willingness from the classmates. I expect to keep growing.
What has inspired me most in the course is how loving and tolerant the instructors are, and how inquisitive my classmates are. What ive learned about myself is that i really dont know myself very well, and that i dont like myself very much, and that i want to become something better.
What i wish for my fellow students is that, i hope that you are or can become the person you were meant to be, that you can find your true authentic self and share the joy and depth of that experience to others around you.
