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I’m hoping that it will be a huge difference from other religious gatherings that I’ve gone to. I have to be honest. I have some healing to do before I can let it all in. A part of me is afraid I’ll still be judged. I’ll still not be good enough. YES, I read THE RULES, etc. And I cherish every one of them. I have to SEE the proof in the pudding. I have to see this go beyond the love bombing I went through that hooked me in at first in the past. I put my whole heart and soul (well – what I believed at that time) into what those beliefs were. Kabbalah makes a whole lot more sense and it is reaching deep inside me and I’ve accomplished some healing since I’ve started studying here. But I don’t want to be fake. I have to be honest if this is going to turn out to be real for me. Going to a “Congress” would be a challenge for me. But if I somehow acquire the means to get to one, I’m hoping that I’ll find I had no reason to fear. The deal is, I have to see for myself to change my own experience.
I understand the importance of “dissemination” but right now for me, like someone else described it…it feels daunting. The old saying goes… “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” I have been in a cult that forced “dissemination” to incredible heights. It was painful and at times a cruel and grueling experience. Maybe it’s a bit of PTSD. I just don’t want a repeat of where I’ve been so painfully in the past. They purported to have that ‘Biblical love for one another’ but it felt more like love for performance. So, it might take a bit of time for me to see through my own experience. I’m confident that I will. It will just take time. My heart is in the right place, but I’m just not in a place where I can start proselytizing Kabbalah. I’m new at this. I’m learning. I believe it will take some living in it to get past my past.
Because I was once in a cult, I must be very careful how I say anything about Kabbalah. I can see each of my family members’ eyes swimming already. I truly believe that my best way of sharing the LIGHT is to let it envelope me and what I do every day. Entrench my heart, my voice, my being in what I am learning and let it shine through my actions. The right subtle words will come, if I have to say anything at all. I trust that the Creator has a plan and if I’m a part of it, it will just happen naturally.
I’ve been involved with support groups in the past. Some experiences were not pleasant. It’s a comfort and it was an ‘ah ha’ moment to hear ‘the rules.’ That’s the perfect way to gather in a group. These rules would be wonderful for any group, but considering the gravity of what we’re really doing here, it’s humbling and fills my heart with hope for future good outcomes, and gratitude that the way forward will be safe…not like past disappointing experiences.
No longer living solely for my own self-interests. Looking outside what I think is my reality and finding one that’s more real and made more real by the connecting with other human beings. This reality is one of mutual bestowal, rising above the desire to only receive.
