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Sorry i get stuck on this like every time i start diving into kabbalah.
I know when i read a little into kabbalah for the student i read that the “so what” is the worst corrupter, what exactly does this mean?
i can see it in a practical sense like obviously i cant always do and say what i want because honestly alot of things the creator sends me makes me very angry, and i have to try harder somedays not to fly off the handle at people. In aa there is a saying that honesty without compassion is brutality, and i can never find my voice when it comes to things i see as wrong, either im too passive and i try to ignore it and brush it off or i blow up, and i never really know, what the right thing to do is, because whatever i seem to choose is failure, so i try my best to pick what i would think would cause less harm. But it never really seems like the right choice. Except when i see it that way and then i get shown that there is, but then again how could i ever be sure?
But like, it always feels like “so what?” i mean if the creator controls everything its like whats the point?
And i apologized at the beginning because i always feel like i am to blame, because theres only 2 real logical conclusions for me.
1. the creator is in control of everything and i cant escape this “so what” feeling, because everything would depend on him to bring me forward one way or another, and i feel confused and resentful that it always has to be so painful, which would mean im just being tortured, because theres nothing i would be able to do to stop it.
2. through whatever divine manipulation i have come to aquire free will, in which case i would be to blame. and if the creator wanted me to feel like i have free will even if i dont, i would still have to blame myself because if i did have an active role and had clear choices, of course i would be making a mistake, even if i knew everything underneath is being guided, i would accept that i have free will because the creator wanted it that way, because there is responsibility in having that.
This has always been EXTREMELY frustrating for me
But thats even like, why ask a question in the first place? surely there is something in me that feels wrong, or i wouldnt be seeking advice, and I wouldnt be asking if i didnt feel like there was an answer.
I hate myself, because i cant trust myself, because i cause so much pain, without even realizing it, and im just so lacking in perspective, that without a little bit of “so what” i get scared to even move, and i cant accept that god is a part of me because i feel so wrong and misguided. Even when im “feeling good” or i have “good intentions”, i see people do horrible things seemingly without a conscious, like theyre just fine with abusing and destroying things, and how would i, how could i, ever be any different? i try to be good but i can see even small things just end up causing pain.
For example if i started dating a cute girl but it actually cause another man who maybe loved her even more than me pain, or maybe id be robbing her of a better opportunity. Or if i got a position at a job and id be taking someones place who is perhaps more qualified, or even maybe im having such a good day i didnt realize i inconvenienced somebody in a significant way, or maybe i tried to help some one and give them advice or offer them help, but it actually ended up hurting them or making it worse, because i cant know or control how others perceive things.
If i do have free will, even just the illusion of it, i want to do the right thing, but the problem is i never really know what that is, because i can never fully see the consequences of my actions, it would be impossible to do so, theres too many variables, and the more i look the more blind i can see i really am.
It always feels like im going in circles, because to get rid of the “so what” i would have to take accountability for my actions, but how would i have accountability if everything depends on god? Maybe its a paradox, can they both be true? What am i not seeing?
OK Oliver,
I’m going to give you a response here and I’m hoping that you can hear it.
First of all understand that all of these things that you have clarified in your mind, it’s like there is a bucket with 100s of legos (the little colored blocks that children build with) and you have already done the work of sorting them into colors and sizes. Understand that most people go through life and they don’t ask these questions seriously and they don’t stop to sort these things out in their mind and understand what is happening and why. So first of all you have prepared yourself. That is good.Second of all, you need to acquire a correct perception of where you are in the big picture. Imagine a child playing in the sand and he feels free that he is digging holes and building castles and he doesn’t think that there is a world and that someone is preparing lunch for him and someone will take him home later and put him to bed. To him, this is his world now. But around him are his parents watching him, watching the waves don’t get too close and watching that he doesn’t fall and thinking about what to feed him for dinner and what time he will go to sleep. Oliver, we live on a small planet, a million Earths can fit in the sun. Our sun is one of billions of stars in the our galaxy and there are billions of other galaxies too. So let’s get in touch with reality. We are a small cell in a very large system. We happen to be the only cells in the system that feel themselves, but nevertheless we are small cells in a large system. So second of all stop taking responsibility for everything that is happening in the universe. With what powers are you going to fix all of the injustices in the world?! Of course you are studying the wisdom of kabbalah and we deal with this, but not in the way that you think. You think you like the girl so then the other guy will be hurt and what about the ants who once lived where your house now stands and what about the children who worked all day in a factory to make the clothes that you are wearing and the laborers who worked 12 hours in the sun to bring food the market for you? It is never ending and you can’t fix these problems by locking yourself in the house or by not engaging in the world.
Here is your answer, when it comes to this world, indentify good role models in this world, you want to be a scientist, find a good scientist, you want to be a good plumber, find a good plumber and be a good man of this world. That’s it. Normal person, be a good husband and good father and a good boss or a good worker, to the standard of the times and place you live. In this sense, you are an animal in the jungle (kabblists call this the level of “beast”) and you live, let the wolves be wolves and let the elephants be elephants and whatever creature you are with whatever qualities you have, live in the jungle (your town) with the other creatures (people) with all of their qualities and get along in a normal way.
Now above all of that normal life on the “beast” level, you have found the authentic wisdom of kabbalah. Now, you have the ability to not just be like the child on the beach or the animal in the jungle you have the ability to open your perception to the bigger picture. However, you keep the lower degrees as they are, do not disrupt them. No one will know you are a kabbalist. You look and behave like the other people in the world, however now we are learning about the hidden world of intentions, the invisible forces operating the system.
I recommend reading the texts again and not to make everything about you now. Just read them like you are taking a shower and they are washing over you.
In this way you will learn like an infant begins to learn language, not by studying, but by being under the influence of the “Upper Ones” he absorbs it from them. Similarly now you need to absorb the influence of the Upper One, of the kabbalists and the Creator who are shining on you through the authentic books. You need to put all of those castles and fortresses that you built in your mind about how the world is and who you are and how He is, and put it to the side at least during the time of study and allow some other influence to work on you.
You asked many questions and we can’t answer them one by one with a few lines and then you will calm down.
The answers you want don’t enter the ear, they enter the heart. Take the advice and progress naturally and slowly and I hope that I will hear good updates from you and God forbid not otherwise.
Seth@KabU
The creator has created the creature with Opposition quality of the creator with the purpose to place him/her in a surrounding to 1. Equalizer Forms 2. to let the creature desire The adhesion to The creator;
Thankyou for your response Seth. I apologize for my frantic behavior, Ive been going through alot of very extreme changes in my personal life over the last month and my mind and emotions get away from me sometimes, its happening less and less.
The Kabbalah revealed series showed me the importance of connecting to the world, it helped me realize where i needed to be and helped bring me back to AA, and through AA ive also been willing to seek out mental health. I just want to do everything i can to better myself because ive wasted so much time, i have alot to make up for.
I want to do the best i can because the changes in my life over this past month and a bit have been nothing short of amazing, i know i must better myself if i am to be of any use to anyone at all, and that by living a better life i can help and enrich the lives of people around me as well.
Its difficult for me to be patient because i have been givin a bright vision for my future, where i can be just that, a good man, but i know it takes time and i want to give myself more to the process.
Also i really enjoyed your enter the zohar series, i first saw it maybe 6 years ago now and rewatched it a few weeks ago or so and ive always wanted to be in a live lecture setting like that.
Thankyou again for your response.
Oliver,
I understand that you want to run ahead, it’s a feeling we all have had or have.
I leave you with this for now.
On the one hand, hope that miraculous changes can happen in the next moment.
On the other hand imagine that it is 10 years from now and you look back how much you have grown, what a meaningful and spiritual life you have built, surrounded (physically or virtually) by others on the path with you supporting and helping each other.
This is the confusing to balance these two, but it is the correct way to develop.
Good luck,
Seth@KabU
György,
The Creator Himself does not change. But just like you are you but to your child you are father, to your father, you are son, etc. all of the names of the Creator have to do with the one relating to the Creator, not to the Creator Himself, He does not change.
Any male name or reference in general refers to light and any female name or reference generally refers to vessel.
Seth@KabU
If the creator controls everything, including people and our thoughts & actions, then what is the point in this whole plane of existence? And how are we truly learning if we are being controlled? also what about karma, if we are being controlled then surely the karma isnt really ours to suffer?
Stephen,
You are asking all of the correct questions.
These questions will drive us forward to discover the answers. In the wisdom of kabbalah, the answer isn’t something you hear and you put it in your pocket and now you own it and that’s that. No, in the wisdom of kabbalah we develop and attain new degrees, imagine if you visited New York, so you know what it smells like, what it feel like, etc. That is the what we are talking about. Once you attain it, you understand it and can discuss it.
If you are a father, you can understand clearly the situation that we are in. With our small children, at first we give them a puzzle with 3 or 4 pieces to put together and then as they grow 10 pieces and 20 and then 30 pieces and as the child develops the games become more complex. Similarly with us. Through all of these thoughts and actions we discover who we are, where we are, what forces are actually operating everything, who He is, where He is, etc.
If that is the case, then certainly there is no such thing as some kind of “punishment” or “sin” because if we didn’t arrange all this then how can we be punished for something we didn’t do?!
I recommend for you to keep a journal and write your questions and your discernments as you advance, it will help you to develop much quicker.
Good luck with everything,
Seth@KabU
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