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Frightened to death!, as I am identified with the ego, going “but I am the creature!? there is none beside him, but I am here, beside him, I am not supposed to exist?” And than I remember I am in God as his creation, that feels a sort of ‘me’ in order to feel ‘the Creator’, who is otherway than me. Is there a creature, if none is beside him? Who or what is there to feel? And if there is nothing but his action, why are there ‘things to be belitteled, because they could not come from Creator’? And at this point I am led to switch in the Creator, wanting to see how ist that, being none beside me…
This question comes miles to early for me. I am avoiding for years! right this moment, and its experience. And I am happy to find you guys, to make a start together allowing this thought to dive in me, that none else is beside him… It’s a process…
To count it all joy. All of it. I type these words with fingers and wrists that have been swollen for weeks. And feet and ankles so swollen I had to literally cut the side of my shoes to relieve pressure and to be able to walk. All my actions are slow and cause pain. It’s called a flareup and can last from a few days to a few months. I am normally a very active person who flies up and down stairs and dances through my house. But you know what else it does? It makes me slow down. It makes me ask for help. It gives my mind and body time. Time to learn more about Him. To study Kabbalah. If it weren’t for my physical body not allowing it, I’d be working. Between working, my kids, running the household and the volunteer work I do…I’d have no time for studying. I always put my desires last. I know I would have put these classes last too. My husband has no interest in developing a relationship with God. His drive is money. If it weren’t for my physical suffering (rheumatoid arthritis) he’d insist that I go back to work. I grew up poor. I know what it’s really like not to have money. To have utilities turned off, no money for food, standing in bread lines, and going “school shopping” in the basement of a church full of used donated clothes. We’ve been married for 12 years. The more money we make the more money he spends. He has no idea how blessed we are because he only compares himself to those who have more. My pain allows me to study Kabbalah. That is a the reality of action from the Creator that I feel and am grateful for. I count my suffering as joy because it has brought me closer to Him.
Dear Jennifer, Your words really moved me, thank you for describing your life so clearly.
I hear when you describe your pain, and I deeply respect the spirit in which you are able to see the gift in that, and celebrate life in its bigger aspects. I recognise a degree of mastery and self-empowerment in your acceptance , the recognition of the greater good at work.
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