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Honestly, this process has been a bit frustrating – maybe in a good way though. It just seems that, the more I even attempt to feel, think, intend, or even commit actions that are seemingly altruistic – the more I feel that it is absolutely impossible to do so. Even worse when I simply don’t want to think of others, or anything outside of myself. It’s difficult because egoistic pleasures are still at times enjoyable and I, against my better wisdom, feel that they are worth chasing from time to time. But deep down I know that this will forever keep me from experiencing the Creator.
In fact, it almost feels as if even the desire for the Creator is in and of itself egoistic. Do I actually want a relationship with the Creator in a selfless way? Or do I actually just want spiritual pleasures? How can I ever get myself to NOT want spiritual pleasures? How could I possibly ever even attempt to live in a way that is completely against my nature for not even any reward of spiritual revelation?
Even the voicing of this comment/complaint feels self centered. It just seems that becoming altruistic, let alone being able to receive altruistically, is a completely impossible task. I don’t understand to what degree of impossibility must I delve into to grant the blessing of the Creator or how much further I must struggle with egoism before I can affected by the Light that Reforms?
With that being said, I have learned that Egoism is pervasive and insistent and essentially the root of my entire being. I hope for all other students engaged in this study finds the strength to overcome this. Thanks again for making this course so available.
The course has taught me that the world I see outside of me bears witness to an inner condition. That is, my perception and experience of life is based entirely on the way I see myself. The world outside of us is abstract reality, or abstract light, and all objects and events presented to me in the external world have no meaning and no value in themselves. I am the one who gives everything I see its meaning and value based on the way in which I would use them to serve my needs.
If I have a defensive mindset (i.e., if I operate out of my ego) it is only because I do not know my reality; I do not know myself. And so, I mistakenly see myself as an individual who is isolated from everyone and everything and needs to fend for himself. I develop a very strong defensive mindset based on the false belief that I have a number of serious deficiencies within me, and that I need to compete with others to cater for my needs. Operating out of this center of gravity (i.e., seeing the world through the filter of one’s guilt) produces pain and causes me to act out of fear, putting myself at enmity with life and causing me and all life forms around me to suffer. In this condition, I have so little faith in myself that it is as if I am asking for the experience of spiritual death, which is the intention or prayer, and so the universe always grants me what I ask for myself.
On the other hand, the wisdom of Kabbalah aims to correct this mistake by revealing the truth about me. The wisdom of Kabbalah teaches me that I need not change the world outside of me; I only need to change the way I choose to see it. The wisdom of Kabbalah teaches me that I am one with God (i.e., the Creator and Creation) and that my oneness with God is the only reality in truth. God is love and I am the love of God. I am the presence of light on earth. I am loved by my Creator, and I am love. This awareness is the source of my abundance, joy and fulfillment, and it is the love of God that renders me whole and complete. There is nothing the external world can provide me that has any meaning and value whatsoever, except in providing me with opportunities to act according to my true nature in God by extending my peace onto the world through my relationships. My peace and abundance come from knowing that I am the light of the world and the only thing I see from the world in truth is a reflection of my own light.
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