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- <li style=”text-align: left;”>This lesson reminds me of a story told to me many years ago by a woman who went by the name of Dottie. She explained that back in the 1950s when she and her husband were still newly married they had suffered a long period of physical separation after the initial marriage due to his service in the military. Later, when he came home from the military he developed a drinking problem and eventually became physically abusive. She used to pray every day and beg the creator to change her husband. One day she was praying and a thought occurred to her which was to begin to pray to ask God to change her. She said that later that night he didn’t beat her and within a few days he actually stopped drinking. This is a true story I will point out at this point. They went on to be married until he passed away in 2011 and she passed away little over 100 years old just a couple years ago. I still think it’s a great lesson. However, like all great advice it must be looked at from all sides. This is what I think is the meaning of “a multitude of counselors” in Proverbs. What I mean by that is; where could this advice go wrong? Some may find this to be a flaw in thinking, or a fly in the ointment 🙂 but I find deductive reasoning to be the type used in common math and to have practical intellectual applications as well. Sort of like we all know that being kind is good but some people like actually turn kindness into an idol of sorts. That’s because you can be so dang kind that in the end you’re unkind. The core meaning behind the word good (Tav)in Hebrew is more like balanced/works and the core meaning behind the word evil (ra)is more like imbalanced/destructive/doesn’t work. So you could be so kind that you’re imbalanced or don’t function in your framework. Which means that your kindness is evil If it’s not something that doesn’t produce positive physical results. Let me explain why I am even going here. There is a common disease to humanity call codependency which is commonly mistaken for interdependency. In a true codependent there is a lacking sense of self, Caused by lack of healthy mirroring in early childhood which is how we develop the connections to our frontal lobe. This early childhood neglect can also be brought on by diseases and illnesses which require to cure that a small child be put in a situation where they couldn’t be held or cuddled for a long period of time. Just to clarify it’s not always parental neglect, it could be quite the opposite.That being said, A high degree of childhood adversity causes codependency of which a small number of them become narcissistic pathologically. Narcissistic pathologically means under an MRI your brain shows that you only receive receive pleasurable chemicals when you hurt someone else or lie to them or do some other similar predatory behavior, this is different from the typical brain. When you look at a codependent relationship you can determine who the narcissist is and who the codependent is by the balance of powers in the relationship. The person who gets an inordinate amount (imbalanced) of respect, love and care is the narcissist. It’s math. In the case of an infant this attitude is wholly healthy. It’s situationally appropriate for a child or a small baby to get an in ordinate amount of love and care. When this goes on with an adult unchecked it is toxic. In a relationship like this both people are codependent, however, codependency can be treated relatively successfully whereas studies have shown us the treatments for narcissism are far less successful to the point of being dismal. That being said there is a portion of humanity who having never had healthy playtime and cuddling mirrored in early childhood by people who were relatively reliable tend to blame themselves for everything. To the point where those around take advantage of and exploit them. Take the statistic for instance that only one and 200 people have true narcissism. Sounds super rare doesn’t it? Consider again that 20% Of military meet the qualifications for narcissistic personality disorder. One day, based on the statistics that people in churches are statistically more likely to commit predatory crimes than the. general population, similarly to military men, I suspect we will find that church people deal with a similar rate, at least of 20%, like the military. Which I suspect many of us started off in a church of some sort and maybe tried to save everyone and had a bad experience 🙂 To break it down people who are traumatized in childhood are often codependent the various degrees, however, the tiny percentage of them become narcissists or victimizers. I bring it up because the codependent and the narcissist both have a problem with a lack of sense of self. Take the old did the tree fall in the woods adage. If the tree fell in the woods and the narcissist was the only person there they would say that no tree fell because no one actually saw them leave the ax to the tree therefore it never happened. The codependent would be a chance blame themselves for the tree falling even if someone else clearly laid an axe to it plus a sharp wind came or alternately If it just fill the codependent wouldn’t consider their own years to be sufficient as counting for a person having heard it. In either case how can you ask for help changing on the inside if you have no clearly defined sense of self. Now, here is another true story. Except this one is mine. Hi spent many years married in a very religious environment and every day prayed the Lord to change me and always asked myself what I was doing wrong. The people around me became more and more ill behaved in abusive until I realized that my kindness was evil.
Raie, thank you so much for sharing.
Kabbalah teaches that outside of us is only infinite light, love, the Creator. We project our reality onto that screen. When we ask to change ourselves, we are asking to change the source of the problem 🙂 So that is a correct inclination. And I think God must have heard your prayers if are here 🙂
This is THE environment to change yourself and create a better reality.
So I would say your prayers were successful. Indeed we can’t always understand the Creator’s answer. Sometimes a situation isn’t meant to go on, and it has to change, for the sake of your development. But we always get an answer. We just need to learn what exactly is that change that we need to ask for, and really hone in the correct, most effective prayer. That’s our work.
Also, regarding narcissism, codependency, and being kind/unkind.
I believe that these are all attributes of our ego-consciousness. Within this level of consciousness, and the environment that shapes us, we have negative results to differing variations. Some people become more narcissistic, others are more submissive…but it’s all egoistic, it’s all a version of the same thing, just different expressions. We are all trying to get what we want/need in different ways.
So I believe that the only real cure for this, including for people whose sense of self is not as strong, is to take part in a NEW environment with the right values and behavior, that will replace the old environment.
By doing therapy you can change a little. But it’s only when you are in an environment that is truly based on principles of love, connection, mutual concessions, that you can transform in a substantial way.
Then you can learn how to see yourself from the outside, to really see where what you are doing is coming from your ego (whether that is being kind or unkind, doesn’t matter), and how to act from a higher intention.
Sure, it takes time, and it’s a process, but I believe it is the only real solution.
I think this lesson is key to have a healthy relationship, through going above the ego and focussing on the common space of love between you and your partner. It’s a challenge to recognise your participation in the difficulties os the relantionship.
Absolutely true Tal.
There is a general principle that ‘…if you find fault with another it’s because it is coming from within YOU’. For example, I often find myself being very critical of people who are over-weight, but if I look closely at my behaviour this attitude is coming from a place of greed and indiscipline within myself. I just happen to be lucky to have a good metabolism and not easily gain weight.
But you will also find it is very exhausting trying to correct every critical thought that arises, which is why another general principle of universal forgiveness, of self and others, is so helpful. Just try to keep forgiving everyone and everything when judgement and condemnation arise. It’s a simple and effective practice that, with effort, eventually helps you reconnect with universal Love for all… xxx
Lovely, thanks, Anthony!
I agree, you can’t trace every criticism/annoyance to its exact internal reason. Rather it’s always an opportunity for us to correct the ego and choose love. These are reminders and opportunities to go above our ego/mind/self and connect to the field of love that is above us, and between us.
I feel its about ignoring your ego and being present and aware of the others needs, also learning to love their being and not just the body
I agree that each time when I tried to change the person who can’t be changed I should have leave instead of trying to change him if he didn’t make me happy the way he is.. and the self work on ourselves is never ending but it only works in a relationship if both parties have the willingness to improve themselves..
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