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The first time that can remember, and it sticks with me to this day, is when someone lifted me up (at around 5 years of age) on top of the offering table and I remember singing the song stop by here dear lord, but instead of saying stop by here, I would say Popeye here… everyone would laugh because I couldn’t pronounce it correctly but that was the beginning for me and the questions continued to this day…
There has never been a single moment in my life when I did have these burning existential questions. In fact, I had such questions even before I had any memories. I know this because my mother told me that I began asking questions about God and the purpose of existence almost as soon as I could begin speaking to formulate such questions.
I have spent my entire life refining, deepening, broadening, adding to and subtracting from this array of questions as Life has mercifully continued to introduce me to humanity’s deepest and most profound paths of wisdom and meaning. It’s an exciting, beautiful, sometimes terrifying journey – an ongoing odyssey and love affair with Holy Wisdom in which hell is often transformed into heaven and heaven is sometimes turned back into hell, and then back again. But with all of the ups and downs – the ascents and descents – of this spiritual life, I can definitely say, alongside St. Theresa of Avila (whose Jewish ancestors almost certainly were Kabbalists), “All the way to Heaven is Heaven!”
I was around 8 years old and had an experience of an old man with long hair, bright white robe, sitting at a desk writing with a feather pen in my bedroom in middle of night. I clearly remember hiding under the covers and being very hot. Needless to say this was written off as a vivid dream. The impression of what did this experience mean lasts with me to this day. I also have searched in many religions for answers to living a spiritual connected life and they now reside discarded on my path of life. Then the call to truly listen came during a time of serious suicide ideation at age 40. I was angry at God and challenged him to show me he was real, that he cared about my deep suffering, and to give me a sign of the path to take (talk about a big ego!). This defiant interaction happened while on a long hike that ended with me needing to walk back to my car on the road. I walked by a house where an old man came out to get his mail. He was physically in poor health pulling an oxygen tank behind him. We talked about our lives for sound 15 mins. and when we parted he stated have a nice day to me. I replied, sir I already have had a nice day as I was able to talk with you. The old man who was already starting to walk back to his house, turned, came back with tears in his eyes, hugged me while thanking me for my kindness. This is when I first realized the power of connection. I am in this for the long haul, no matter what!
It started as a child, but it got very strong once I started work-life, around 22. I could not understand the reason of what I was doing – more often than not, what I was doing would be lost in oblivion the very next day or week. It was a painful growth in the career universe. Those existential problems never left me, but slowly I came to accept the selfish path as the way to go – despite never really obtaining any overwhelming success – neither on the point of view of society nor on my own. A series of heavy personal setbacks and emotional pain last year led me to coincidentally discover the Kabbalah. Sometimes I wonder if it was the Kabbalah that actually discovered me. The truth is, my outlook, perception and insight have massively changed. I hope to one day embody a positive change towards the supraconscious and all-loving macro-Human entity.
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