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discouraged, demotivated and resigned about the fact that it will remain everything like it was and is until now. That the Creator will give darkness wanting me to interpret it as light, even wanting me transforming it into light and to pretend I’m happy. (come on, fake it till you make it, babe!)
I am feeling a great desire to fulfill my needs at the costs of others too, and to not recognize them as they are, but to reduce and dishonor them, lying and hurting and abuzing and excluding them in order to get my own needs satisfied, and to be bad too, so that they would be frightened and lemmed and I would have the full control over them and over nature. And I desire to be reckless. And to understand how nature works and to use this power only for myself and for my interest, making sure my wellbeing goes first and I have everything and no one would touch it. How they’ve done too. This would be an downgrade, but for me indeed an upgrade, and I would never experience lack again here on earth. I have no problem repeating the fulfillment of the needs until I die. I would be a full human being, like everyone. Now it’s my turn. Now THIS is equivalence of form with the Creator! The one Creator we have at time. Or not!?
It was easier for me as I thought I created the ego, it is my responsibility and I can correct it while I am going through the world altruistically. Now that it is said Creator created the ego, and all thoughts and feelings that I or my brothers and sister have, decisions, everything, is from him. I feel anger at the Creator because it is he who is downright hurting, abusing and causing lack with no prospect of stopping and I have to say “oooo, how pleasent” – this is perverted, like a perverted ego. Can he really be the Creator, or just a pitiful simulation!!!? Something is wrong. I have lost respect and reverence for him, I don’t want equivalence of form with him anymore. He has to behave himself first, and until then I will pass on to my brothers and sisters everything he gives me 1 to 1 exactly like that, untransformed, even if I have to die for it. It cannot be that I am the shell of the world, which filters the dirt and transforms without an equivalent.
At the latest when I became 9 1/2, I had no more interest in the matter, because I understood, this is not real, there is not happiness in it. But until today I had not stopped hoping that the truth of God will win, will be obvious, so that I am also seen. Now the Creator has weakened the Internet connection, and everything I had written, you know it was the truth and in detail, flung into the void. Again a reason why I, now I – spit on the Creator, and say: if you have caused all this to me, you are not my Creator, because you are not worthy. You have known my soul, and stepped on it, and therefore you are false, and not worthy of me. Thereby you have annulled yourself. I honored you, but you were not my Creator. For My Father, who created me, would never annul Himself.
Tony, there can be a future, if that would be my Intention. But I can’t intent something, I can’t feel, that it is hold, carried, shared and provided. Please notice – that I am losing my patience!
Is this now enough!?
The Workshop, getting practically was motivating and the experience was inspiring. I’ve learned that I have a strong Intention in ‘not-to’ but I’m struggling intending ‘to’. So many things! Now I must exercicing allowing myself to accept that I finally found the right frame and environment in which I can finally allow myself to grow in order to support the world finding the Love. I wish all friends joy! Thank you.
