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My anger is not directed at anyone in particular. But very much against Creator. Please forgive my expression.
I have no more resources for the way He speaks to me in my life. I want to be happy, and yet I want to remain His creation. If I have to interpret everything as from Him and as good anyway, then it doesn’t matter whether my form and His form are the same. Then I can just accept this lack that arises after a wish is fulfilled, and think ‘at that point I’m just not like Him, and this lack is just naturally calculated in. That’s just the way nature is.’ Is okay. By leaving everything as it is, I forgive myself for my perception and Him for what I think He did to me. I just have sometimes simply trouble to forgive.
Rage. Keeping hatred and aggression, sorry, that’s not carring. It would be no change to how it is now.
discouraged, demotivated and resigned about the fact that it will remain everything like it was and is until now. That the Creator will give darkness wanting me to interpret it as light, even wanting me transforming it into light and to pretend I’m happy. (come on, fake it till you make it, babe!)
I am feeling a great desire to fulfill my needs at the costs of others too, and to not recognize them as they are, but to reduce and dishonor them, lying and hurting and abuzing and excluding them in order to get my own needs satisfied, and to be bad too, so that they would be frightened and lemmed and I would have the full control over them and over nature. And I desire to be reckless. And to understand how nature works and to use this power only for myself and for my interest, making sure my wellbeing goes first and I have everything and no one would touch it. How they’ve done too. This would be an downgrade, but for me indeed an upgrade, and I would never experience lack again here on earth. I have no problem repeating the fulfillment of the needs until I die. I would be a full human being, like everyone. Now it’s my turn. Now THIS is equivalence of form with the Creator! The one Creator we have at time. Or not!?
It was easier for me as I thought I created the ego, it is my responsibility and I can correct it while I am going through the world altruistically. Now that it is said Creator created the ego, and all thoughts and feelings that I or my brothers and sister have, decisions, everything, is from him. I feel anger at the Creator because it is he who is downright hurting, abusing and causing lack with no prospect of stopping and I have to say “oooo, how pleasent” – this is perverted, like a perverted ego. Can he really be the Creator, or just a pitiful simulation!!!? Something is wrong. I have lost respect and reverence for him, I don’t want equivalence of form with him anymore. He has to behave himself first, and until then I will pass on to my brothers and sisters everything he gives me 1 to 1 exactly like that, untransformed, even if I have to die for it. It cannot be that I am the shell of the world, which filters the dirt and transforms without an equivalent.
