Forum Replies Created
- Replies
Would like to connect, to express my experiences and listen to people – well, the present truth is I am struggling to express myself and takes few days to contemplate on preparation Q’s – to bring the presence of the Creator everywhere, to the most ordinary, everyday life actions. If I’m in a challenging situation, would like to handle the situation as the Creator would, and not what my ego dictates … I know this might be a long shot, and I’m far from being ready and able to do it, but this is the visceral feeling of “Kabbalah in action” for me.
Lots oh “aha” moments and lots of raw feelings/emotions stirred up. The concept of concealment is maybe the biggest, as is the best and the worst at the same time. The theory is giving reassurance to my faith that “there is non else besides Him” and I become calm, supported and cared for no matter what the circumstances are, yet when I experience the “concealment” which really feels like I’m just about to be swallowed by a black hole, the next instant feeling is anger, then next comes shame about being angry, and it takes for a while to get myself to a normal, baseline stated of feeling good. All this can happen while I’m doing whatever I have to do in everyday life and nobody really notices anything I’m going through. So the good experience I guess is that I am able to track these emotions, sit with them and really just explore them. Well, at the end of the day my best experience is very complex and not just a “happy rainbows and unicorns” experience, and I can so strongly feel my ego wanting to experience pleasure only, that no matter how much faith I have, I do not wanna be conceiled from the Creator ever. My ego is terrified of having to do the “spiritual muscle work” to increase the vessel; I guess I’m getting an ever increasing awareness about how egoistic I am.
Aron, reading your words brought light into my day. Indeed, baby steps are powerful when all you feel is to just give up; thanks to KabU community we keep learning, learning brings transformation and connection. Thanks for your touching encouragement 🙏
It is very hard for me to write down my reflections, somehow it is so much going on that it take time for me to be able to connect here by typing about my perspectives.; at the same time I wish I could speak, verbelize them, as writing feels more of a struggel.
I am split in my own, personal unity and kind of experience the mini fractal of the whole creation just in my own tiny world … I am blown away – again and again – how infinite and ongoing the human development is, I am able to extend and sense others as little parts of the whole I am part of, have glimpses of true feelings of the … The … THE … what am I feeling? … it is something beyond I can express! These glimpses are so short lived, I can hold to the “memory” of it but most of the time I fall back in my own world of emotions like “I’m cranky … I’m mad right now … what the F***!? (sorry for the honest language but it is true and is followed by deep shame) … are you kidding? this is stupid! … oh, shishhhh, this is not for real! … and the list goes on, and I am pendulating between unwelcomed emotions followed by shame, deep embarassment, feeling betrayed, exploited and questioning where is the spark I just felt like ages ago, even though it was yesterday, and the magical warmth of feeling others. However, when I’m in the “dark” I am able to use my intellect, awareness, logic or whatever it is to observe, remember the spark, keep my sanity. Sometimes pendulation becomes almost parallel, when I feel the negative emotions, shame and can observe them all at once. The only thing provides stability is the purpose of doing the work for the benefit of the whole, understanding the concept of concealment and KNOW (it is different then “know”) that whatever I experience is for a GOOD purpose regardless of my perception.
I can’t not be under the spell of Concealment and it’s crucial meaning … my role, as far as I am aware so far, is to keep up the study one step at the time (try not to go coocoo when things go bad and the road gets rocky, haha) keeping the goal in focus: achieve equivalence of form with the Creator for the benefit of the whole humanity.
The concept of concealment … in one way makes me angry, very angry as I am experiencing ugly difficulties, and I am emarased about feeling angry, also I feel very thankful for the guidance I do not undrstand but is clearly happening. Feels like I can more and more clearly identify when I am under the influence of my logical mind, and when does my heart taking the lead. I suffer more (anger followed by shame) when I absorbe things by rhime’n reason, and things get better when I “let go” and let the Upper force guide, unfold the good, the bad and the ugly. Working above reason feels more like a “foolish” work when I’m in the smart pants mood, as always pops Q’s and is seeking answers, nonstop, tirelessly, and if can’t get one that fits the box … well, makes me feel week and a fool. However, the only Q keeps popping up around the concept of Concealment is “Why the heck isn’t any Q about this?” Logically doesn’t make sense, in fact is infuriating, that the all benevolent Creator is hiding and letting all the suffering exist, my heart is aching, yet there is another level of knowing, a sensless, Q less knowing that this is how it has to be. Oh Lord, I feel like walking blindfolded on the edge of a razor.
