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I am much better able to cope with negative influences and impacts of every day life. I have a greater appreciation and respect for people and nature and life in general. But with all this I  am feeling guilty. l  have misled a lot of people and I am not able to undo it. why?
Having live the greater part of my life in the Christian religion, We have a certain belief about life and death, hell and heaven, and eternal life etc. I now awaken to a new perspective on the Creator and His creation. However, I am not able to share with others like myself this new perspective because their minds are fixed in a particular way in which they are not open to learning anything that is not in keeping with their ideology.
I found the understanding, that I have an integral part to play in this world, my life is not without purpose and only I can play my part. With much study we all can be active in the transformation, the tikun, there is a deep sense of purpose, an awareness, and the observation that something is definitely happening, it’s more tangible.
I asked myself the question of why there is so much suffering in the world while all there is, is this Creator who wants to bestow us infinite pleasure.
When I look back on my illness, who I was before I got ill and where I am today, I certainly think more about others and am more humble. So in this sense it also prevented me from a lot of worse states of being.
I read the following passages from Michael Laitman:
“Even under unbearable pain you can feel perfection, if you only maintain spiritual contact with the Creator despite the pain.
It may appear to others that you are suffering unbearable pain, but you can feel instead completeness and delight if you create a spiritual contact with the Creator, despite the pain.
The body could burn and you would feel nothing. It all depends on the tightness of your connection with the Creator. The stronger it is, the greater the joy; the weaker it is, the lesser the joy.
Pain is given to us only to tighten the contact and attain the spiritual degree where all we feel is pleasure. We must think of it as the most important exercise.”
Despite seeing I transform through my chronic pain, I cannot help but feel angry with the Creator some days for bringing this kind of suffering into the world. In that sense, I sometimes feel a bit like Job in the Book of Job. These words of Michael Laitman, I hope I can attain such a state of adhesion to the Creator, because sometimes my pain is a lot to handle.
I have understood that my five senses are filters that distort my experiences of life, and I need to develop the sixth sense to be able to go beyond those limitations. I have a better understanding of the ego and its role (this course has provided me with the best and clearest explanation of ego that I’ve encountered), and I see the destructive nature of the ego that has been growing more and more self-serving. I know that I need to and want to learn more so that my tiny point in the heart will grow. I want to feel connected.
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