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Thanks so much for this chance to grow
I feel as if I am being lead by a force that governs my heart’s beating and has instilled within it a desire to be here where I am today and that is the o ky thing which has made this happen. There is something in my DNA that’s has brought me here and is evolving through this experience even as I type these words out
So I feel like I had an “awakening” in Oct. Of 2020 and that has lead me to ask for things like enlightenment and freedom of consciousness from the one I call Creator- Great Mystery or Original Source…these prayers have changed me till I was praying for all our Universe and then began to sense other Universes in alignment with Unconditional Love and aiding us in development- and all this creating in me and changing me on a cellular level- then I had an experience where I died- yet did not die and this after I had made a decision to ascend this lifetime and was first lead to the intro to Kaballah videos through YouTube.
This feels like insanity to me sometimes yet I have a peace and more peaceful relationship with my ego than I ever have. I was alone for some time and now know I must engage with others in groups- and so I am here and wish to ask-what of the Devine feminine prescence within all things that teaches us through nature? What is this in Kaballah?
I view my life as a school for gaining the attributes I need to evolve. Prayer is just a meditation, a recognition of my process. I do not understand, but I have always been given what I need. My daughter calls this “random” money. But, in actuality, I worked and learned to earn what I get. I must evolve and grow, and even strive to evolve. I must use energy to evolve. I must know its value. The Creator, the Energy of Creation, needs to explore itself through its creation. This is a mystery to me. But, I understand loneliness. My question, can I help the Creator to experience things the Creator needs. This sounds very self-centered. But if our purpose to to become one with the Creator, do not we have a responsibility to respond? How can we achieve out purpose?
I do not conceive God as separate from creation. Creation including man is a manifestation of a Creator. My looking at Archetypes in the forms of ancient deities is an attempt to understand the facets of the One. Unless you study creation, knowing the One is difficult. Developing the concept of love is my purpose. I know I will probably need several more incarnations before I am ready to ascend to a higher level of being. I know that is okay. Life, lives, are a process. I trust the process and engage in it however I think I can. I may need correction, but I know the path.
Ah, the Ego, my old friend.
When I was young it bothered me that I didn’t have a personality. Everyone else had a personality. But all I had was liking the things I liked, and disliking the things I dislike. Yes… silly it was, but that was my understanding or rather misunderstanding.  The one part that I could see in me that seemed like a personality, was this feeling that I wanted to follow what was true. Later, I would see that as my being a seeker of truth.
Because my ego saw me as a seeker of truth, it forced me to accept things that otherwise I could never have accepted.
A dark night of the soul lasting fifteen to seventeen years came upon me at forty years of age when the God of my youth and life, was determined to be a lie. With it, everything, quite literally everything I considered important was torn from this mind. What was left was a mass of flesh without bones to hang it on.
The only way out of it was for me to follow whatever was true. So the Bible was wrong? Not everything in the Bible was wrong. There’s some good stuff in there too. So the Eastern Religions are not totally perfect or even helpful; part of them is.
I used my ego to force a skeleton together of what I believed. That skeleton of my beliefs was and still is based upon the best what I see as truth, without regard to what the source of that truth is.
I don’t see ego as wrong unless the ego is misnamed and misapplied by our desires to be accepted by those around us. I wanted to follow truth more than I wanted anyone to like me. I follow truth to this day. I will follow whatever truth comes from this journey.
It is great I must say, to see in others the desire to see others happy. My own happiness does not come from anything that’s for me, that I experience. And experience is an experience and I’ve had enough of them. What I enjoy more than anything else is to help others enjoy good things more. Okay, that was sort of a lie. There is something I enjoy even more.
The greatest joy is when I can create a better life in another person. When I can add clarity to confusion or hope to despair or understanding and self assurance to doubt; that the greatest. It’s because of this that I don’t see myself as a people pleaser. I’m not trying to please people and I can make people upset when they and I have different ideas on what’s best for them when I’m offering myself to help in some way.
As long as these comments may seem, they are so inferior to what I want to say. Most people don’t want to read all that I could write.
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