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I keep on writing because I keep on getting my mind blown by this whole thing, & I have no-one among my friends who I can talk to – its just you guys! So it d be nice to get some of your thoughts on this.
It all seems a paradox. The Creator wants to fill us with delight, & has only given us a will to receive – but he will only answer our prayer, when it is a 100% desperate prayer for Him to fulfil us. In other words, he keeps us unfulfilled until we turn to Him. Very conditional. And the ONLY bit of free-will we have, is in making this choice, or not. It is inevitable that we will make it in the end, and so even this is not a free choice. And so what happens when we make this choice – we get filled with the Light of Creator. This total unity thing blows my mind. It all feels so very convoluted, turned in on itself
You know what? I’m guessing that, since There is none else but Him, that He is also trapped within Himself ! And if He puts every thought in my mind, does He think so too ?
It seems to me that the videos are saying, “Watch out! You re going to get tested! ”
If, having some degree of desire to bond with G-d, and the result is to be pushed away, I m not sure the result will be to try harder. If the harder you try, the more you get pushed away, until the point of complete doubt and despair – well, yes, I can see , at that point you might give it 100%. Does that mean a 100% tough test?
In terms of parenting, this is “Tough Love”. It seems that what Tony said, is we will only receive help when coming from this place. It does make sense, only a complete need will produce complete bonding, which is limitless. That is asking – well, everything of us , so – is it really coming from a will to bestow?
“It is the feminine force, that would let me die, and the masculine one that wouldn’t no matter what.” – This thought just came to me saying “sharing”.
You know, you say so lightly “is a preparation” – and this takes the whole power out of me for years! And it is like a loop, can’t ovecome that point. What you say in a sentence is a process, is the experienced and felt experience, and it feels like death, because the me, the ego disappears. Although your structure and guidance fits to mine, in my experience as I am processing I see, feel and experience things more energeticaly and emotionaly, kind of my-way, so I sometimes I describe things from an emotional perpective, and dynamics of things. I am at a point where I feel I need a group of women, we go through in our way, you know, and there is so much need for expression, even creatively.
I even sense that I don’t want to make a step further alone, but I need to make it. But not alone.
Anyway, there is a trigger point: I am thought of the Creator, I am Love of Love and because I am like Him I have the power to create, and because we are connected I always receive what the Creator wants to bestowl and I use this to creating my own creation, so I give like I receive. It was not the Creator, who separated, for he only expands, but me, by puting the veils (managed by the ego) on the Truth pretending it is not there, and now I am playing the being-separated-from-Creator-play, playing being God within my creation. Because I wanted to consciously chose Him, consciously make every step of he path leading me Home. Do I really am oposite to Him?
One thing that blew my mind was learning that EVERYTHING I am, think, feel, do is determined by the creator. Until this week of study, I really believed that “I” was something that I determined! Hearing Rav Laitman make clear that I am a bug, rather than the self-determining-being my ego convinces me I am, shocked me into a new perspective.
The other thing that blew my mind this week was getting a feel for the gap between myself and the Creator. And, man, does that hurt. I actually feel physical pain when I register that gap. My egoistic self wants to paint the gap as smaller than it is or less important than it is.
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