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I wish that when we plan an action we consider equivalence of form and seek to be altruistic and not egotistical.
I have spent most of my life in self-centered pursuit of pleasure. I have always felt this hole inside which I sought to fill with food, alcohol, etc. It would medicate the pain of that hole, but it always returned. With mitzvot and Torah I feel a fulfillment I have not known before. However, I feel such deep sadness and regret that I spent so much of my life selfishly and I feel very ashamed before the Creator that I did not recognize His generosity toward me in my life when so many suffer.
I have learned about equivalence of form. My desire is to receive but I am developing a screen where my desire to receive is related to my new intention to bestow. In practicality, each day now I read a portion of Torah and I seek to do good deeds when I am asked, even when I really don’t want to. I feel a fulfillment in these activities of Mitzvot and Torah that I fills an empty space within. I would rather a world filled with people who do good deeds for each other than people who have great knowledge although it is best to have both. For me, if I never learn anymore about Kabbalah except what I have learned and put into practice, that would be enough for me, although, of course I hope to learn more. Am I wrong to think this way?
I cannot help but think of the popular movie The Matrix when Morpheus, one of the main characters, welcomes the newly rescued Neo from the Matrix and says, “Welcome to the real world.” Morpheus goes on to state that the world of the matrix is a world that has been ‘pulled over his eyes”. In other words reality is so far different that what I believe it is that a tool such as Kabbalah will unveil the truth of my existence.
