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I was around 8 years old and had an experience of an old man with long hair, bright white robe, sitting at a desk writing with a feather pen in my bedroom in middle of night. I clearly remember hiding under the covers and being very hot. Needless to say this was written off as a vivid dream. The impression of what did this experience mean lasts with me to this day. I also have searched in many religions for answers to living a spiritual connected life and they now reside discarded on my path of life. Then the call to truly listen came during a time of serious suicide ideation at age 40. I was angry at God and challenged him to show me he was real, that he cared about my deep suffering, and to give me a sign of the path to take (talk about a big ego!). This defiant interaction happened while on a long hike that ended with me needing to walk back to my car on the road. I walked by a house where an old man came out to get his mail. He was physically in poor health pulling an oxygen tank behind him. We talked about our lives for sound 15 mins. and when we parted he stated have a nice day to me. I replied, sir I already have had a nice day as I was able to talk with you. The old man who was already starting to walk back to his house, turned, came back with tears in his eyes, hugged me while thanking me for my kindness. This is when I first realized the power of connection. I am in this for the long haul, no matter what!
I believe all that are participating in these courses are imaginal cells and our role in evolution is to make effort towards adhesion with creator to increase the spark point in the heart to let more light/nature in to evolve towards our true nature. Understanding is easy but I find the doing a struggle of ups and downs.
I think we are located in all three stages suggested above, I see a segment of humanity in each of the four stages of being (still, vegetative, animate, and speaking). My focus is on applying effort from/for the speaking phase in order to build critical mass in human consciousness that brings about the sudden and complete shift.
My current software of receiving for maximum benefit for myself never realizes the intention leaving me experiencing a form of emptiness or maybe incompleteness. So I am here now in these courses working to change the software then evaluate the results. I am putting the effort in these courses with desire to be more like the creator, and faith in this path is building as much internal change is happening ie. deeper understanding and compassion for this ego of mine that has struggled and grasped at illusions to have hand return empty creating much internal chaos, noise, and ultimately loneliness.
The law seems as an illusion as my actions may be wanting maximum benefit or believing it will attain maximum benefit but the benefit comes and goes never being the maximum benefit, the benefit that stops the constant seeking and longing. So I know I need to do something different, thus my participation here.
My life has undergone much change and the larger more identifiable shifts came from an internal experience that seems to be guiding me towards change, this is how I was led to Kabbalah. So I have a faith in the connection to this self version that resides in a higher spiritual attainment that continues to motivate me, push me when I want to stop, and is now giving internal assurances that this is the path.
