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My role is to give myself the correct environment (teacher, books, group) and commit to this, knowing that distractions will come along. Only with the right environment will I be able to progress. And the speed of my progression is the only area of free will that I have. This is what is within my control and this is my contribution.
My goal is to understand who I am, where I come from, why I am here and how I may contribute in a positive way to the lives of my loved ones. It could be simplified in a sentence – to know God while living a worldly life.
I am catching up from having been away to visit a dying relative. In this course, I am keen to understand the concept of free will and to try to incorporate prayer into my life as it should be (and not as simply desires / requests for the things I think I lack). Confronting death seems a pertinent time to confront life and how I may best live it.
The videos on free will have been very affirming for me. I have long suspected there is no free will as I haven´t seen any evidence of it in my own life. However, finding that there is a small point of freedom that I can aim for is a liberation. I am reminded of something Tony said in another video, I can see myself as a sort of prisoner of my experience with no choice or as a ´treasured guest´. That is such a beautiful way to see it. And, I am not without power, I have the power to put myself in the right environment, so as to connect with my spiritual root, for myself and for the coming together of the one, unified soul. That can be a powerful guiding force for my journey in this lifetime.
The sensation is brings me is a deep sense of peace. I may not understand my suffering due to the limits of my human perspective. But if I truly feel in my heart that there is none else besides Him, then I can lean in to that, trust that, find faith in that. I can include that in my prayers by saying – I don´t understand this situation, help me see as you see, help me align with your perspective.
One thing that impacted me was understanding the egoistic nature of humans and learning that we are actually designed this way – I am a will to receive. I was able to accept that rather than fight it as I have done in the past. I was also comforted that some of the most challenging experiences of my life have brought me closer to knowing the creator – there is sense in the suffering.  And while I don´t enjoy suffering so much, I know there is none else but Him. And so, I trust that He sees a bigger tapestry that fits together that I cannot see due to my own human limitation.
I have really enjoyed connecting to the teachers and other participants – it´s been something to look forward to every week and that was unexpected and a lovely surprise. I look forward to continuing my journey with KabU. Much love and appreciation.
