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And I too study in order to find out what concret task – according to the way this world is organised – I am supposed to fullfil here in this world, so that I will may set a toe here on earth, maybe even finally settle down, having a job which allows me to give all of my gifts for the humanity and getting finally paid so that my needs are met and I can finally breath out and feel secure, stabile and comfortable. And than buying the books!
I want to receive the Light. But only Light. And I will reveal Him my pleasure receiving the Light. And I will reject everything, what wants to enter me and is not Light and what belongs to the ego and thus not true. I will not clothe the Creator with ego-attributes but opening a space free from expectations or past referencies, waiting as always for Him to come not knowing and imagining anything about how would it be or look like. And I will laugh about the tiny mad idea, that there truly happened a real separation.
Today I came to the conclusion, that the soul is dreaming of itself being the Creator creating. That is what is described in the Genesis. The man, super-ego projecting itself on the Creator. Seeing Him like itself. Mindblowing! A Creator that punishes!? That asks me for sacrifice!? For limitations!? He ask for willingnes, and He does not force me to anything, never! That destroys!? This is the art of ego! I have never experienced god like this, unconscious people were like that, being that way through their own will!
But why are people not accepting the bestowal through other people!? They may be even not recognizing the bestowal! Are you sure people want to receive? I am experiencing my whole life that they are not receiving what I give to them as I have it received from the creator, but they take from me what they want to have from me (or mean to want). Or they receive and they don’t give it back like they received it, but holding it. And receiving is passive and it contains what is given, and I learn through Kabbalah that this is even natural, while ‘taking’ is active and it contains a certain image what they have about what they think they want to have without asking, and this has always felt unnatural to me. Not brotherly. I had a hard time on earth, because I refused to take without asking, and I had to receive their poverty they were giving to me. (Yes I know, ‘just take it as bestowal’ 🙄) So is it plausible, that people just can not or do not know how to receive properly!? I have no problems with the Creator, I do have problems with ego-mindsets and lack of awareness of people in this world, and I am becoming impatient, being 40 years long over my limits, that I even do not want to be present here in the world and in this body anymore! Because it makes no sense in this way, they don’t receive what give but just take out of my substance! Where is my blind spot!?
Sorry, I have written my text in german letting google translator translate, is not quite well. And somehow I could’t not describe perfectly everything that was in my mind.
