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The most important thing I learned here is that I already knew what I thought I already knew. The ancient feelings inside me had no names, no direction to progress. There was no way to give credence to what I already knew deep inside of me.
Especially the obstacles of life, the things I may have said or done that hurt others in the past, childhood and teen years and older too. Why was I like that, who was I? What was the purpose of all of that rebellion and pain?
Now I can see, as my ‘cup runneth over’ with the Light that Reforms starting to fill the large vessel I was blessed with by the Creator. Because of my time here I can truly feel the joy in the Point in my Heart, as it expands with the love of the Creator as He explains to me Why and shows me just how much I was given with opportunity for correction. Sometimes I can truly feel the Joy.
I had a dream and my mother, long gone now, was sitting in a queen’s chair, with people fussing all around her. As I walked past she said to me, “You are a redeemer.” I’m a what? I asked, unsure I heard her correctly. “A redeemer” she said again, and I woke with a start. And now I understand, accept with joy, the new obstacles I am being given as this path opens for me.
What impressed me most was the connection I felt to the instructors, a connection of the Point in the Heart. I am not one to share much with other people, a loner as they say. Different from other people. Here I have found others that are like me, and I wish that we all can continue together on this Path of Wisdom together.
Honestly, this process has been a bit frustrating – maybe in a good way though. It just seems that, the more I even attempt to feel, think, intend, or even commit actions that are seemingly altruistic – the more I feel that it is absolutely impossible to do so. Even worse when I simply don’t want to think of others, or anything outside of myself. It’s difficult because egoistic pleasures are still at times enjoyable and I, against my better wisdom, feel that they are worth chasing from time to time. But deep down I know that this will forever keep me from experiencing the Creator.
In fact, it almost feels as if even the desire for the Creator is in and of itself egoistic. Do I actually want a relationship with the Creator in a selfless way? Or do I actually just want spiritual pleasures? How can I ever get myself to NOT want spiritual pleasures? How could I possibly ever even attempt to live in a way that is completely against my nature for not even any reward of spiritual revelation?
Even the voicing of this comment/complaint feels self centered. It just seems that becoming altruistic, let alone being able to receive altruistically, is a completely impossible task. I don’t understand to what degree of impossibility must I delve into to grant the blessing of the Creator or how much further I must struggle with egoism before I can affected by the Light that Reforms?
With that being said, I have learned that Egoism is pervasive and insistent and essentially the root of my entire being. I hope for all other students engaged in this study finds the strength to overcome this. Thanks again for making this course so available.
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