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What I experience in Kabbalah are two extremes. The first one is when I get the sense and feel like I can uplift an entire nation and I am totally capable of it and I am almost ready to do it! I began thinking of a huge plan on how to do it. The next day, these thoughts fade away and I realize, what was that? Where did these grandiose thoughts come from? I am not even capable of getting along with my neighbours, what am I doing here? I do not even like to be anywhere near people, how can I even think these thoughts that make me think that I am capable of such deeds. That is it….. I do not need this…. I am going to stop this study!
Next day and to my total surprise, I find myself reaching for the next video of Dr. Laitman daily lessons to go to sleep listening to it, and download it to my phone to listen to it while I do my daily exercises! Even though I just promised myself to stop because I am not capable of this task.
This semester, I am hoping that I can find a way to moderate these two extremes and find some balance to center myself with this study. I keep hearing him (Dr. Laitman) says, nothing can happen without the group, and despite what the ego says, I am going to try to see if these two extreme thoughts are moderated somehow in the group.
GE and AHP connection and how it works on a large scale got my attention. The session was jam packed with lots of concepts and went so fast, but what was really interesting is the fact that some people do not even hear what Julian was talking about even if they tried, while other cannot get enough.
I learned that recalling the information which made sense in every lesson is puzzlingly difficult. It all makes sense as one is listening to it, but it feels like a river stream which can pass by a point where one is standing one time only. Trying to hold on to what one learned, despite having a great ability to retain information, is difficult.
Kabbalah is an ocean of learning, and anyone can easily lose their guiding star as he or she navigates these waters. I wish all my fellow students to have the patience and self forgiveness if a concept is understood clearly at one point but seems to magically disappear when one is trying to build accumulated knowledge by matching it with other concept.
Love them and support them. They are pieces of your soul, and no relation with the Creator except through them. Now how do you get the ego to accept it? Is where the problem is. I think one needs the help of prayers to be given the ability to do it.
If the light is coming from the Creator, we can only strengthen it by not resisting it. The ego (the mind that calculates, what is in it for me?) will certainly resist because we are made of materials that are the exact opposite of the Creator. At that point one can only reach for “Faith above reason” as a tool to stop the calculation of “What is in it for me?”. However, “Faith above reason” can only work for so long, and the reasoned calculation (what is in for me?) will return because it is what we are made of. Now, what else can we do? ……. I got it, reaching out for a similar minded person (the group) for support and validation. The only problem here is, those with a huge ego will hit a wall as the ego says: “What do you mean by asking for help from those who are not as good or as smart as you are? Are you mad? Have yo gone soft? Are you crazy? At this point, the only tool left in the bag against that sneaky ego is, PRAYER which requires more “Faith above reason” as the ego says: Who are you praying for? Is there a Creator? Where is He or She? Can you see It? Can you feel It? And the answer is NO, because I am a box with five input devices (sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell) and I need to develop a six sense (the Masach) to feel His existence. That can only be done by accepting the fact that the BOX and its five senses input is limited and REASON exists in the box, so I need to exit the box, and how do I do that?…. I got it, by putting that box (the SEED) in the RIGHT environment, the books, and the Rav while using Faith above reason, and praying for help.
If you experienced the above journey, I would like to welcome you to the wisdom of Kabbalah and its map drawn by the Creator who conceal Himself in order for you either REVEAL him at the end, or go mad trying (smile). No wonder it has taken humanity thousands of years of reincarnation and still do not get it.
